Extremely Bad-Ass

A fairly new friend of mine, Julia, was supposed to go sky-diving this weekend. I learned that she had to cancel, and she went on to say that she would accept no excuses, and I was going with her the next time.

I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure if this will translate into actual action, but I'm considering it because:
1) It would make good material for the blog
2) It's not that crazy. Former president George Bush has done it a whole bunch of times, as has my brother.
3) I'm hitting 35 this March. This is more problematic for me than I care to admit.

***
I hate to do something as cliche as set up a "Bucket List. " Instead, I will look at the most popular life goals according to this website, and let you know what I've already done. This will prove to you, once and for all, that I am extremely bad-ass.

Adventure
Many people wish to experience weightlessness before they die. I'm assuming, in space or in a wind tunnel. Me? I've experienced weightlessness at the AZ State Fair on a ride called the "Gravatron." Coincidentally, I've also experienced nausea on the Gravatron. 

A popular goal is breaking a world record. When I was seven, my friend Cara and I attempted to stay on the teeter-totter long enough to earn said world record. We came up with this idea by watching the Brady Bunch all by ourselves. We were on the teeter-totter for almost fifteen minutes before we got bored and hungry, thus closing the door on our world record dreams.

I've ridden both a camel and an elephant. These bored, miserable animals plodded in a circle at the zoo and the AZ Renaissance Festival, respectively. Not only did I ride these magnificent beasts like they were beasts of burden, I stole their respective dignities to boot. Bonus!

I have ridden in a helicopter AND a hot-air balloon. Granted, both times I was with my mom. But trust me, it was extreme! We swigged Mountain Dew the entire time.

Community
Donating blood is a popular life goal. Did it. Got the cookies and the T-shirt.

And....seriously? This is a life goal?

I do it as often as legally possible. It's my quiet time. Yes, I would rather lose precious bodily fluids than break up another fight between Thing One and Thing Two some days...


Creativity
A popular life goal is to start a website. Let's just call this living the dream.

Drama
I've played the all-important role of "chorus" in such productions as Bye, Bye Birdie, Grease, and Kiss Me, Kate. I tell you, the show needed my alto. I provided background harmony like nobody's business.

A high school production without my talents would be like a world without Tia Tequila or Paris Hilton. And frankly, I don't want to live in such a world...

Family
I've had two healthy babies. This is a gift of grace that I never take lightly.

Fun
The website suggests that riding in a limo is a great lifetime goal. I've ridden a limo to funerals, weddings, a evening on the town, and my personal favorite, with a group of middle school students to Ledo's Pizza. These were the students that sold the most magazines for the annual school fund-raiser. Wild times.

Learning / Education
I'm starting to question this website. I've done some of the "exciting life goals" listed, including: learning CPR, learning to drive a stick shift engine, learning to play the piano, learning to ski, learning to snowboard, and learning to speak another language. I've also learned to water ski, completed my college degree, and I've taught a college class.

Forgive me as I yawn at these "impressive, wild-n-crazy" accomplishments.

Literature
Damn you, list. You think you're so cool just because you have my MAIN LIFE GOAL "write a book and publish it," listed. You sit there all smug, list, knowing that I would write a snarky, smart-ass posting talking about my badassery, only to cut me off at the knees with this!

I very much wish to write a book and have it published some day. I've been humbled, once again, by the Internet. 

Travel
OH, it's on now, list. No, I have not been to Egypt, Hawaii, Ireland, Italy, London, or Paris. I have not earned 100,000 travel miles, seen the Great Wall of China, the rain forest, or the Aura Borealis.

But yes, list, I have been to the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls. And, although it didn't make the cut on the precious list, I have been to the Flintstones' Bedrock Village AND Barstow, California, AND Bullhead City, AZ more times than I can count.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

***
What have I learned from this exercise? I've done a lot. And yes, there's more that I want to do, and will do. But, rest assured, I'll won't turn to the Internet to determine the worthiness of this life.

That, most assuredly, is not extremely bad-ass.

New Thing + Boobies

Loyal readers know that I try to learn one New Thing each year.

I've realized that introducing a cello into this house would be about a useful and necessary as getting a pet chimp. Although the monkey butler services would be AWESOME, I could do without the tire swing and the airborne shit (I get enough of both as it is). Likewise, a loud, unwieldy instrument would be both fascinating to the boys (Owen would put toys in it, Joel would chew on it), and neglected by me. So cello: out.

Cooking lessons were another idea. After the disaster of my oil-soaked eggplant parmigiana, I've returned to my original repertoire of: sloppy joes, grilled chicken, Trader Joes salmon, stir-fry, turkey burgers, homemade pizza and meatloaf. That's pretty much what we eat, every meal, every week. Cooking lessons would hopefully jump-start my mind to new ideas, but if I was to take a cooking lesson, I would need to first find the energy to find the class, and then the energy to get the boys watched while I attend the class, and then the ability to transfer what I learned to my own kitchen....so yeah, I'm all talk, no action. Verdict: no cooking lessons.

So, my new New Thing: I'm going to buy flowers and put them into the ground and watch them grow. I'm not going to landscape or garden, because that would be too much work and another check on my "Not Done" list. But putting flowers into the ground? That I can do.

***

In other news (Male readers, you've been warned)...Operation Weaning continues.

I woke up this morning and realized that I had developed breast-shaped conjoined twins over the course of the night. My boobs were so big and hard that they looked like...
*Pamela Anderson on a bad day.
*Me on the best day of my life (although my understanding is that people that like breasts prefer them to be soft mounds, not rock-hard boulders).

No fun, this weaning stuff. I guess a lot of people don't have this problem because they let the milk dry up over time. I, of course, prefer to do things the quick way and the hard way. Thus, my boobs look like a prop from "RuPaul's Drag Race."

I've been trying to give myself a break from the constant guilt of not making it to the year by drinking as many heavily caffeinated beverages as possible. By doing this, I'm too hopped up to hold a toothbrush, let alone beat myself over the head.

Speaking of beating myself over the head, tomorrow we're driving to scenic Waldorf to order Joel's glasses frames. Pictures forthcoming.

A List of Goals that Kinda Turned Into a Michelle Obama Rant

It's good to have goals.

*Following yesterday's post, I've vowed that Owen will only watch one hour of television a day. As we speak, he is outside, playing with his water-sand table, happy as can be. My neighbor gave him a cookie, which reaffirms Owen's view that the world is a fantastic place where magical things happen all the time. (And by the way, Facebook friends, I know that this is my status report, too. Although Owen sees magic in the world, his mother is NOT made of magic, and only has so much creativity to give.)

*We're about to go to Grandma and Grandpa Campbell's house to do Early Easter (all of the fun, none of the big, elaborate meals) with the grandparents, Aunt Erin, Uncle Doug, and Cousin William. I'm going to step back and let Owen and William figure things out for themselves. There will be toy-snatching. There will be tears. There may even be fisticuffs. But, for once, there will not be Nancy, the Insane Helicopter Parent, micro-managing Owen's every move. Unless blood is shed, I'm going to let natural consequences do the teaching.

*Since the Washington and British press have determined that Michelle Obama is the Black Jackie O (I stole that from my friend, Coby), I am going to try to be more like her. You've probably heard a bit about her arms, since it's been breathlessly discussed EVERY SINGLE DAY since Obama won the election. (By the way, if I lived in Chicago, I wouldn't bother having toned arms because it is SO COLD that you're in a parka, like nine months of the year...)

Anyway, as was the case with Owen, I am getting a little bicep on my right arm, because that's the side that I carry twenty-pound Joel. I've attempted to hold Joel on the left, so I can be equally cut, but it just feels off. I'm afraid I'll drop him.

The only solution to this is: working out both arms or having twins. Guess what I'm going to do? If your answer involves a double stroller, you're WRONG.

In addition to having Michelle arms, I am going to plant a vegetable garden this year, just like she did on the White House Lawn. Or at least buy a tomato plant.

I'm going to attempt to buy some stylish summer dresses that I can wear with cute cardigans. How fun that will be. However, I will not buy them at J. Crew. If I read one more time that Michelle Obama is "everywoman" because she shops at J. Crew, I will eat the magazine. The "everywomen" I know shop at Old Navy---maybe The Limited if they're feeling extravagant.

Finally, in an attempt to be like Michelle Obama, I will get an Ivy League education, hug Queen Elizabeth, and make my children clean their rooms.

Or at least do one of those things. You guess which one.

Goals, revisited

Loyal readers may recall that I came up with some New Year's Resolutions. Here's where I am a few months later...

1. I will take a shower every day. I do this, unless I don't feel like it. To encourage basic, necessary hygiene, I recently purchased some bath hoo-hahs from Bath and Body Works. The idea is that I'll shower if I can smell yummy afterwards. This worked, until Paul came home one day and asked me if I why I smelled like Snuggle fabric softener. Not sexy.

Hopefully, I won't get to the point of my literary hero, David Sedaris. He made it a personal goal to read Moby Dick. He found the book so dreadfully boring that he abstained from showering until he finished the damn book, damnit. His boyfriend threatned to move out of the house until he finally got his shower---two weeks later. Ick.

2. I will read books, occasionally even challenging ones. So far, I haven't read anything too substantial. I'm reading a lot of books about marathoning, because I admire runners, and I'm looking for new tidbits to discuss with Paul. Right now, I'm working on Duel in the Sun, which discusses the epic battle between Alberto Salazar and Dick Beardsley during the 1982 Boston Marathon. I just finished reading the chapter which discusses Beardsley's unfortunate accident involving farming equipment and Demerol. Good times.

3. Paul and I will go on four dates this year. Oh, we're so making this happen. We went out for dinner last week, and we're both committed to doing it again, and soon. My parents are coming in next week for Owen's birthday, so guess who gets to watch the kids?

4. I will continue this blog and enter four writing contests/submit four entries for publication.
The blog goes on. I just submitted a short article to a church-based magazine.

5. I will run three days a week. This has been terribly inconsistent. I'm signed up for two road races in March, including one called, "Keep Your Colon Rolling," which (surprise!) is for Colon Cancer Awareness. I can't wait to see the T-shirt. I'm going to buy myself a running skirt for my birthday, because I'm a girl and I get to wear silly running skirts and still be a tough running chick. Maybe this will encourage increased running. And, perhaps if I run more, I'll be inclined to shower more. And, if I shower more, I might use the Snuggle-flavored lotions again.

6. I will lose the baby weight. Getting there. Let's just say we're back in the 130 range.

7. I will do something cool with Paul when we celebrate our ten year anniversary (June 12th)
Hasn't happened yet. There's plenty of time to dither about before figuring it out.

8. I will learn something new. I haven't decided yet, but I'm thinking about taking a cooking class. Wouldn't it be fun to learn how to cook Indian food?

9. I will eat more eggplant (they're just so pretty). I made eggplant parmigiana, but it was too greasy. Eggplant sucks up olive oil like a sponge, and by the time I finished my serving, I felt like I had been chewing Tony Soprano's hairpiece (if he wore one).

10. I will cut myself some slack. Working on it. Whenever negative thoughts creep into my head, I'm trying to cut them off by listing things that make me grateful.

So that's that. Here's one more, new resolution--get more followers for the blog. So, people, what say you? Join the adventure! Become a follower of NPOJblog! A daily dose of nonsense---just for you! Thanks.

Resolutions

It feels good to be back in a routine today. After weeks of self-imposed exile, due to illness, I was able to take the boys out into the world. We went to the gym, and I got a run in-finally. I cannot stress enough how a run changes my entire perspective. I woke up this morning pissed off and unclear why. Now, I feel like Matthew McConaughey---relaxed, mellow, floating on a cloud of endorphins and caffeine. I know that Mr. McConaughey tends to float on other substances, and play naked bongos while doing so. That wasn't me today---maybe after a realllllllly amazing run.

I love New Year's Resolutions. Some really cool things have resulted from them. One year, aiming high, I resolved to eat at the table instead of on the couch. Now, our couch does not smell like bean burritos. (This was a pre-children resolution).

Another year, I resolved to become more flexible. That's the year I started yoga classes two days a week. While it still takes effort for me to touch my toes, I can do it. More importantly, it taught me to stop, to breathe, and to focus on the everyday sacred. At the end of yoga practice, you rest and breathe. Sometimes, I would just repeat the word "Owen," in my mind, and I would remember how small, how beautiful, and how precious he was (is). When I became pregnant again, I imagined the fetus (now, Joel) swimming peacefully inside me, breathing gently, calm and safe. During other practices, I would focus on gratitude...just saying to God, over and over again, "Thank You," trusting that He knew what I was thankful for now, then, and someday.

This year, I want to try something new. I want to get out of my comfort zone just enough to grow. I've been invited to join a women's soccer league, which would be leaps and bounds out of my comfort zone. I'm a klutz, and I've never played soccer. But, the idea keeps floating in my mind, like a catchy jingle. So, maybe.

What I really want to do, though, is learn how to play the cello. I've always wanted to play it. This is problematic for several reasons:
1. I do not have a cello
2. I do not have a cello teacher.
3. #1 and #2 cost money.
4. The only time that is my own is nap time. I'm not sure my squeaking and groaning (aka practice) would soothe my savage beasts to sleep.

But, I still really want to. And now that I'm writing it, I want it even more. Do I really want a challenge? Drama? What is possessing me to consider this?

Here's what I can commit to, and since it's being shared with an audience, you have permission to hold me accountable:
1. I will take a shower almost every day.
2. I will read books, occasionally even challenging ones.
3. Paul and I will go on four dates this year.
4. I will continue this blog and enter four writing contests/submit four entries for publication.
5. I will run three days a week.
6. I will lose the baby weight. Damn it.
7. I will do something cool with Paul when we celebrate our ten year anniversary (June 12th)
8. I will learn something new.
9. I will eat more eggplant (they're just so pretty).
10. I will cut myself some slack.

You are my witnesses. I'll write about these resolutions, and let you know how things are going.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to eat some spaghetti on the couch.