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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Smooth Criminal

I never could have imagined this as my "me time"---paying somebody to rip hair out of my face with hot wax.

And yet, there I was. As I rested on the maroon towel, I closed my eyes, my hands in tight, white-capped fists.

"They look like caterpillars," I told Yvonne, as she rubbed a concoction across my brows, "Do your worst."

"They not so bad," she replied, and paused. "You want me do mustache too?"

I couldn't speak for a moment. Like many of my small, over-analyzed imperfections, I had always assumed that my hairiness was a perception in my mind, a product of this Barbie-doll culture.

I guess I was mistaken. I guess my husband and supposed friends had let me walk around looking like Yosemite Sam for months, nay years

I croaked, "I'm afraid it's going to hurt." In the past, I've done my own furtive plucking, attacking rogue hairs armed only with tweezers and good light. I've made myself sneeze, cry, and consider a career as a bearded lady. 

Yvonne, a woman who has escaped a communist country, learned a new language, and built her own business catering to the grooming needs of privileged housewives, simply patted my shoulder and said, "No worry. I good. I do it quick."

I nodded my head quickly in assent. I closed my eyes again and gritted my teeth. She applied the wax, and I looked for solace in the dulcet tones of Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal.

Yvonne  loves  Michael Jackson.

She pressed and ripped, as MJ yelped, "Aaow!"

Annie are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Annie?

I didn't have the energy to worry about Annie, with every ounce of blood  flooding to my pulsing, swelling face. I blinked back the tears, and wondered where waxing fell under the Geneva Convention bylaws.

"Do you like?" Yvonne asked, holding up a mirror.

I assessed myself. My eyebrows now arched like two dancers in arabesque. I looked less sweatshirt and yoga pants, more knee-high boots and statement necklace.

As for my lip line? It was a clean, hairless marvel. I trusted Yvonne, and because of that, I walked out of that salon a little taller, and one step closer to my eventual (hairless) world domination.

In other words, in a waxing room in Southern Maryland, my world shifted.

51 comments:

Jessica said...

This is hilarious, although I have been biting in my upper lip through the whole thing. Glad you survived.

Cristina said...

they always ask me if I want my lip waxed as well, and I always just assumed they ask everyone the same thing, you know, more money for them.... but I might just be walking around looking like Yosemite San and don't even know it. oh well.... :)

Erin said...

well, we've talked about this a bit already. I am hairy b/c I have PCOS...and went through a few years of electrolysis. Should probably find someone here and continue. I went to see about laser, but they told me my hair isn't dark enough---but I SEE IT. I know it's there. I hate it. but if i waxed my face now, it would un-do the years of electrolysis...

le sigh.

Sarah said...

You are so brave! I've never had any waxing done because I screamed when I got my ears pierced.... Glad it was WORTH IT :)

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I'm growing chin hairs. It's horrible.

I used to get my eyebrows done once a year. Now I don't even do that. Can you say mountain man?

I guess its better to be momentarily offended and have the stache waxed than to wander through life with it.

I say this from my position of blissful ignorance.

June said...

I fear waxing.
I fear the hair growing back and looking like a man's beard.

Those caterpillars are my friends. I am not afraid of them...

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

I just had my eyebrows waxed for the first time a couple of months ago. So worth it. Except for I had a weird reaction to the 'soothing' cream they used that made them itch and puff up. But other than that....

Ms. Moon said...

Well I like this one.

The Empress said...

Hello?

Are you here?

Let's go knock on BlogHer "Own Your Beauty" submissions.

Get your coat, be there in 5.
psss. my blog has the link up on the top right.

Formerly known as Frau said...

Love it! I'm there on Friday! Unibrow and tash are so yesterday!

TKW said...

What is it about Eastern block waxers. I have Ike, a Hungarian. She's fierce! And brutally honest, like yours.

Ash said...

"Smooth Criminal" - snort.

I often think, as I sit in a chair for two hours with foil all over my head - "beauty" is so not worth it. Waxing is on that list. I wonder if threading is any better?

Give yourself a couple of years my friend. I now have this new pet, a surprise at when it will show up. Can go for months without a sighting, and then, shazam, a two inch dark hair sprouting from the middle of my neck. No joke. And I usually don't spot it until the morning after going out with friends.

Marla said...

You are too funny, Nancy!

The last time I had my brows, upper lip and chin waxed, I walked around with a beet red face for HOURS! Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, my chin broke out in zits for weeks.

Yep. Your 50's are awesome!

tsonodablog said...

OMG, so freaking funny! You just made every single woman who reads this remember her first eyebrow/lip/unmentionable waxing. Triple OWWWEEEE.
My hairdresser knows that I hate hate hate waxing, but as I'm very Italian, I require it, and often. So whenever I get my hair colored, she always says I'm her prisoner and she can torture me anyway she wants.....which is the eyebrow and lip wax. OY. Forget about that other waxing stuff. That's ONE of the perks of getting older. Those parts don't need that pain.
Fun post!

Victoria KP said...

That was awesome! I wouldn't have realized it was for the RDC meme at all.

I wax my own upper lip myself,cause I'm a badass. Or a cheapskate--one or the other. I need to do it every couple of weeks. I keep reminding my husband that if my eyesight goes he has to promise he'll tell me when it needs to be done.

clearness said...

You made me clinch my teeth...if I ever grow a mustache I will need to get one of those things to bite down on that football players use when playing football or I will bite so hard my teeth will break.

Veronica said...

I love a good wax! I don't mind the face, the nether region is a different story, OUCH, but worth it!

Glad you survived and felt good about yourself afterward!

Cheeseboy said...

My 2nd favorite MJ song has never been so perfectly captured as in this post. I hope Annie is okay.

Ms.Wasteland said...

You're so funny and talented. 2 RDC submissions in one week? I can't even muster up the energy for one.

PS I hate being hairy but I hate pain even more.

Alisha Jaybird said...

LMBO! OMG. My husband is always telling me how cute I am with my little mustache. Well thems fightin' words with me, because my dad looks like Yosemite Sam, only with a salt & pepper 'stache. I swear, if I went to have my brows done and was asked about my 'stache (which is peach fuzzy, btw), I think I would wear veils for the rest of my life.

Cheryl said...

HA!!!

Also, lip and brow ain't NOTHING compared to a bikini wax.

Trying to think of appropriate MJ song for that but the mind, she's not functioning today..

Totally Ovar It said...

Love it! OWN that beauty ritual! I have my eyebrows and bikini line waxed religiously once a month. Thank you for regaling us in your glorious experience.

noisycolorfullively said...

Gah! I need to find a good waxer. As you know I often refer to myself as the Frida Khalo-Groucho Marx love child, and girl, I 'aint kidding!

But the last woman I let near me with wax on a stick was so enamored with the mass of eyebrow I presented she nearly snorted with glee. She then ripped so much off that I remained in a constant state of surprise for a week. Since then I've tweezed myself, but damn it, I'm too lazy to keep it up.

Erin said...

I almost spit my coke out while reading this, I so need to have all that done! I'm a scardy cat though!

Shell said...

Oh, this is hilarious!

And I had someone ask me the same damn thing about if I wanted my lip done. I was so embarrassed. And it's not like you say no to that.

(Florida) Girl said...

Fantastic. I was so engrossed I didn't even realize this was your rdc post until I read the closing line. Hairless world domination! HA!

adrienzgirl said...

I have so missed your writing. This was awesome.

I don't bother waxing. Lucky girl that I am, I have almost no body hair. Lots of hair on my head but not much elsewhere. Damn the bad luck! :P

K Pugliano said...

Haha!! Don't mean to laugh at the pain, but this was funny!

LOVE that you were walkin' tall out of the salon! :)

Joann Mannix said...

Only you can make poetry out of waxing.

"Annie are you OK" Brilliant.

Don't hate me, (as she cowers and covers her head with her arms) but I'm pretty much hairless. I've never had to worry about waxing or permanent hair removal or any of that. My oldest daughter, on the other hand, got her Italian father's genes. She was as hairy as a monkey when she was born and still is. I always used to tell my husband, the minute that girl asks to shave her legs, I'm letting her. I don't care if she's four. Luckily, she wasn't four, but she's this delicate little 20 year old,but hairy as can be.

kmcaffee said...

New follower from Twitter! Love your blog and can't wait to read more!

Michelle Pixie said...

Thankfully being a blonde I don't worry about the brows so much as you can't really see them but the facial hair elsewhere makes me insane so I wax myself as home. But not to worry I am a trained professional! ;-)

Another fantastic post!

Yuliya said...

I have to say my people make the BEST waxers...must be something cultural ;) and we all LOVE(d) Michael Jackson!

Nancy C said...

Just noticed tense errors. Ack!!

Love, Former English Teacher

Stephanie said...

This was nice and fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wouldnt worry about the tense errors. I dont think anyone else minded. ;)

--The Drama Mama

KLZ said...

I personally think they ask EVERYONE if they want their mustache done.

Because, really, how do you say "No, thanks, my eyebrows are too hairy but I'm quite comfortable with my mustache."

You don't.

They know it.

So it's an instant sale.

Ash said...

I had to come back and read this again today - STILL hilarious. Oddly though, even with all the pain, you've seriously got me contemplating seeking professional help. For my eyebrows that is.

I have a diificult time spending hard-earned money on such an impossible situation though.

FabuLeslie said...

Great job as always.

Mandyland said...

I'm sitting her giggling like a goon. LOVED this post. Funny, smart and incredibly enjoyable.

Carrie said...

this was great! I've so been there :)

Have you ever tried threading? Works just as well and doesn't seem to hurt as much.

Visiting from RDC

Jack said...

In situations like this I am pleased to be male. Fiction or not, still happy not to worry about being plucked like a chicken. ;)

Home In The Hollow said...

I felt the pain in your lifelike details!...:)JP

From Tracie said...

I think we discussed on twitter that I've never done this...after reading about it, I'm definitely thinking "go for the pedicure, skip the waxing"!

MarieElizabeth said...

I love that you made this a funny event. The first line is by far my favorite.

LB said...

Ahhhhh, I need some waxing. I'm so scared, though. My first, and last, experience with waxing was not a good one. I was several months pregnant and had my girly parts waxed since I could no longer see them. It was worse than childbirth.

MiMi said...

Omg...this is hilarious! I love how you took the prompt into such a funny story!

moveovermarypoppins.com said...

I have just recently come to the conclusion that I need to maintain the upper lip a little now.

God, I miss the discretionary funds for waxing.

Love the image of your brows in arabesque.

Kim said...

It's so important to know if you have a mustache or not. I religiously get my upper lip and eyebrows threaded every two weeks. I walk in slumping and walk out like a new woman. I love Michael Jackson's music too. And I love Yvonne's matter-of-fact honesty. If I lived near you, I would stalk you till we were friends. I just know we'd hit it off.

Amber @ The Mom Road said...

This is so funny! I loved it. I have never waxed my eyebrows or upper lip, but I totally get the feeling now, nicely written.

Ericka Clay said...

A very crisp and clean scene you've written. Okay, reading that out loud makes me sound like Yoda... Anyhoo, your details are spot on - dead on description. Love the "Annie are you okay?" and Yvonne's accent!

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Never been waxed. Not sure I ever want to be.

Ow.

Muliebrity said...

50 comments on a waxing post?! High five, or ass pat, or whatever one does when someone kicks ass.