Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Guest Post: The Crayon Wranger

I cannot believe my luck! The Crayon Wrangler is guest posting for me today! She is funny and talented and all-around awesome. We went back and forth about possible topics. I suggested eye candy (i.e. Robert Downey, Jr.) or a good ol'-fashioned rant. You'll see that she went for the rant.

It is funny and brilliant and quintessential Wrangler. Please be sure to leave her some love and then check out her site. You can find her here  or on Twitter at  @CrayonWrangler

I was staring in the eyes of pure unadulterated anger. Eyes that flashed, teeth that bit and a jaw so firmly set that you could almost hear the bones crack under the pressure. She was really letting me have it. Words flew sharply with so many creatively strung adjectives that my brain could barely keep up with what my ears were trying to digest. It was fair. Deserved. It was also over 24 hours after the warranted incident and that girl delivering the vile speech was my reflection. The words, however were meant for someone else.

A good rant is a thing of beauty. Craftsmanship of emotional words with direct intention. A rant also needs to be delivered in a timely manner. I am a tardy rant giver.

I often picture the beloved Martha on PBS Kids show Martha Speaks. Martha is a dog who eats alphabet soup. Instead of all those letters going to her stomach, they float up to her brain and give her the power of speech. I know...I know. It’s not physically possible and that’s a rant for another day, if I could indeed deliver a rant. The animation shows all these letters swimming around inside an empty skull. When I get frustrated and it’s time for a good rant, all my rant words begin swimming inside an empty skull. By the time I get them all sorted out and ready to deliver, the moment has passed and the rant is misplaced in time.

Time and time again I have needed to rant, wanted to rant. A customer service representative that did me wrong. A celebrity that flamboyantly displayed ignorance as acceptable. A mother on the playground who questioned my parenting. A blog post that crossed the line of online attacks. A company that repacked my favorite sauce with the words “80% Better” that indicates they have been delivering 20% substandard crap until now and charging me the same price. Oh how I need to rant but those words just swim around and later that reflection will let me have it. The words will be deserved and they will bite.

In a way I am glad I can’t deliver a timely rant. That lady in the mirror is a scary one and sometimes those words are harsher than anyone deserves to hear. It’s possible that those people made a mistake, had a bad day or worded something incorrectly. I’m not sure if they really warrant the venom that never makes it out in time. Perhaps being a tardy ranter has made me seem apathetic or like a doormat, but then maybe it has shown grace that was needed. Just maybe they walked away from it thinking that they were in the wrong. It’s possible that a rant that never came saved a feeling that couldn’t be repaired. I wrote this I realized it was a rant. I guess I can do it without the mirror after all.


Victoria KP said...

This is GREAT! I too am a "tardy ranter" but it's probably a good thing. I'd probably have no job and fewer friends if my brain worked fast enough to deliver them.

tulpen said...

I love me a good rant. Preferably a drunken one with lots of swears. I'm overdue for one.

The Twin Spin said...

I always think of the best things to say AFTER the fact. Such a shame, but probably for the best.

MiMi said...

I love that you compare yourself to Martha Speaks!
I'm glad I'm not the only one to think that the rubber noodles floating in her brain is stupid.

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I can always come up with a better rant a few hours after I have had one.