Sunday, February 8, 2009

Persistant Voices

So, today in church the pastor was talking about using your talents and gifts for the good of others. This hit me at just the right time because I've been thinking about the future a lot recently, and what I'm going to be When I Grow Up.

The idea of being a teacher again leaves me cold. I liked it, and I'm good at it, but I'm just not excited about it. I'm not sure if this is because my attention is temporarily diverted by the boys, or if my passion for teaching has just fizzled out. I confess, I was already looking out the door when I was pregnant with Owen, and I transitioned to stay-at-home-mothering without any major hiccups.

Yes, I do teach at the community college two nights a week. And honestly, even that isn't getting me too excited. It's hard to believe that thesis statements and parenthetical citation isn't getting my motor running, but there it is...

This puts me in a bit of a quandary because there are a limited number of things that I am good at. I'm quite good at chit-chatting with strangers at the park. I can really clean a sink, so that it is shiny and smells vaguely of lavender. I do a great job of selecting books from the library. People aren't going to pay me the salary I desire, plus benefits, to do such things.

I know I can teach; I know I can write. I know I can teach about writing. I know I can write about teaching. I know that I've suddenly channelled Dr. Seuss, please forgive me.

If I teach, I cannot resent the job, or else I will resent my students, who will in turn resent me. That's no good. If I return to the classroom, I need to return with my passion and standards intact, or else I should just go home.

I really feel like I want to be a writer. I Just. Don't. Know. How. This blog, while fun, is not going to make my fortune. So, what is? How am I going to do this?

I believe that when random things keep happening, they are not random. In the past month, through a variety of people, events, circumstances, and encounters, I've heard the same message: "Serve God. Use your talents when you are asked." So, again, I'm sitting here, wondering, "How?"

Does anybody out there know? I'm still looking. I'll tell you the answers someday, when I am All Grown Up.

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