Monday, July 19, 2010

The Day My Kid's Head Got Stapled Shut

I had a pretty typical weekend. I went to the gym, my in-laws stopped by, Owen and I went to the movies, and my baby got three staples in his head. 

Yes, it finally came to pass. Joel had his first trip to the ER on Saturday.  I'm amazed we lasted as long as we did.

The culprit in all this was a mission-style coffee table. Joel was doing his typical kamikaze-style moves on the couch. He was seated, rolled backwards, and hit the base on his head against the sharp edge.

There was blood. There was that holding-breath-for-a-long-time-then-WAIL thing that babies do. I cleaned it up, and told Paul that it would probably require stitches. I filled up my coffee cup, grabbed a few toy cars, and drove to the hospital.

We registered, and since this was the same hospital where both boys were born, Joel was already on file. The lady asked me to review his information, which I had given to them between gut-splitting contractions several years back.

They had my religious affiliation as Mormon, which is apparently the closest translation to "Get that fucking computer away from me or I will rip out your septum."

Labor was not my finest hour.

We were quickly sent back, since Joel's head looked like this (SKIP IF BLOOD FREAKS YOU OUT)

It turns out that the Nurse Practitioner that worked with us was my neighbor. This is what happens when you live in a small town. She confirmed that he would need a 'closing, but decided that staples would be quicker. And, incidentally,  TOTALLY AWESOME.

Joel amused himself.

Then, it came time to put on the topical anethetic. A reasonable person would allow his mother to hold the gauze against his wound.

Joel is not a reasonable person.

Instead, he looked like a victim of Revolutionary War combat.

Throughout all of this, Joel was quite content. That is, until, he remembered the hospital bracelet around his ankle.

He hated that thing.  "No, no, no, no, no!!!" he screamed, yanking at it with great fury.

It was as if that simple strap of paper had stolen his girlfriend and set his vintage Corvette on fire.

Do you remember Uma Thurman in Kill Bill? That was my kid.

Yet, when we wrapped him in a sheet, held him down, and our neighbor stapled his head shut? That wasn't a big deal. He didn't even cry.


He's fine now. We will walk next door in about seven days so my neighbor can take the staples out.

So, kids, what did we learn from all this? 

1) My kid has sensory preferences and probably won't be rocking the jewelry any time soon.

2) Coffee tables don't belong in our home. Or anything nice, for that matter.

3) Joel is one tough kiddo.

4) His staples are not magnetic. Yes, I tried.

(I'm done with you crazy big people).


Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Sorry you had to go through it all, but thanks for the laugh.

Revolutionary war vet - Ha!

Kids are strange little creatures. We got rid of our coffee table a few months ago. Now I have a big padded ottomon. It's safer, but gathers stains. Whatever. Someday I'll be done with all this and I'll move. Someone else can clean up the messs.

Bekah said...

Oh yikes. I had 5 stitches on the back of my head when I was four. According to my mother, the part that freaked me out was when they had to shave some of my hair. Not the stitches.

and FYI, my kids are 7 and 5. We finally brought our coffee table out of hiding. Like 2 months ago.

Aunt of 14 said...

WOW! I'm glad Joel is such a trooper! :) Now tell me, how did you experiment to find out if his staples were magnetic? LOL I had to laugh at that one!!!

I had like 21 stitches from my forehead going up over the top of my skull when I was a kid. Arm chairs are not a toy!

Melissa said...

He is adorable and I loved the bandage! Too funny!

Not magnetic? That would have been pretty spiffy!

MiMi said...

How did you make something that would completely freak anyone out that freakin' amusing??
He looks adorable in his war hero bandage.

clearness said...

Even in the ER he is all kinds of cute, especially in the war garb. Joey had one of those after his surgery at 3 months old and his face was so swollen from the surgery, fluids, and the thing wrapped tightly around his head made his head look all the fatter. I should have gotten a photo because at 14 weeks old, he looked quite comical but oh so adorable!

Shell said...

Oh, I'm cracking up at not magnetic!

He's such a cutie pie. Probably freaked you out much more than it did him.

SamiJoe said...

poor guy!
poor you!

Eternal Lizdom said...

I love how you can take a stressful situation and make it humorous!! What a gift!! The magnetic thing- cracked. me. up!!!!

dek said...

I had a very similar encounter with a coffee table when I was around Joel's age - maybe it's the middle name? Only substantial differences were that I hit my forehead, not the back of the head, and I got a couple of lame-ass stitches instead of sweet non-ferromagnetic staples.

My revised career predictions for the boys:
Owen: hydraulic engineer
Joel: professional BASE jumper/Civil War re-enactor

The Empress said...

Oh, I am so sorry. That is such a scary thing....

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. Every parent MUST go through this. It is a rite and it is inevitable. I am so glad you both survived.

The Ninja said...

They aren't magnetic? could have put some cool refrig magnets on his head. Glad he took it like a trooper though!

Jenny said...

Awwww....poor little feller. I liked what Ninja said! Glad this all ended as well as possible.

Coby said...

I can't stop laughing - I mean, gasping and being thankful that he's alr9ght - at Joel's bandaged head!

Anonymous said...

Ok. This is really funny. Well, not your kid cracking his head open, but how much he hated the hospital bracelet. Those staples always look so gnarly to me! I had a bf once who had them after totaling his porsche. He was driving home from a bar at the time, but "rain" was to blame. Yeah. These are the kind I attract and then let stick around. This is why I have never married.

blueviolet said...

I can't believe he reacted like that to the ID band! He is a tough cookie and those staples are such a cool new way of doing things.

June said...

Funny how the silly simple stuff can set a kid off!
So, are we going to see pics of the staples??

Mel said...

Owie! Poor kiddo, but what a trooper. I love the photo with the head bandage. I'm thinking you have Halloween figured out now...
I wouldn't have thought to check the stiches with a magnet - you could have kept the grocery list on his head!
Hope that's your last trip to the ER with the boys, glad the bracelet was the only thing that upset him. Kids are so funny.

only a movie said...

At our last emergency room visit, my child had his eyebrow superglued instead of stitched. (Teenager - our ER visits are in the double digits now.)(Boys can be that way).

What a super trooper your boy is. Love the photo essay. :-)

Cheeseboy said...

Poor kid. Staples in your head is pretty cool though.

So are you Mormon or not? I am so confused.

shortmama said...

I have a headache just thinking about those staples! Glad he is doing ok...after the bracelet freak out an all

LB said...

Poor baby... I'm glad he's alright. I like your Mormon interpretation. LOL!

Salt said...

Poor Joel!! He looked happy as a clam with his truck in the hospital though. What a resilient little guy!

I'm glad everything turned out well. Good luck getting those staples out! (Owwwwwwww.)

Minivan Lover said...

impressive! Parker is a mere few weeks old, but totally loses his shit when any sort of sharp object is introduced and waved or pointed in his general direction.
play on Joely!

Erin said...

he is seriously the cutest lil thing and he makes my ovaries ache for a baby boy every time i see him. le sigh.

on another note, i sliced the tip of my finger off on a mandoline last night making dinner. fortunately hubs is a doc and had some supplies at home, but we should've taken the girls out of the house before he put the silver nitrate on to cauterize the wound (bleeding wouldn't stop and he said stitches wouldn't work there). I screamed, girls got upset, it was a major parenting fail on my part, but I wasn't expecting that searing pain. I guess fingertips are pretty sensitive. Glad your lil guy won't remember much trauma from this!!!

Mama Zen said...

Oh, bless his heart! Damn jewelry!

michelle said...

I can't get over how cute that kid is.

What kind of magnet did you try to stick him to?

Cat said...

ROTFL!! I love the Mormon comment. And the war victim thing. And... well, all of it. You make me laugh!

Joanna Jenkins said...

OMG! What a trooper-- BOTH of you.

Glad Joel's okay.

xo jj

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Miss JLA said...

Yikes! Joel has to be one of the cutest boys I have ever seen in my life!
Great Story!

New Follower!

*LLUVIA* said...


LMAO!!! Your last statement made me laugh my ass off!!!

Beth Zimmerman said...

That bandage was wonderful and I loved reading this! GREAT storytelling skills Mom!

Unknown Mami said...

I blame it on the Mission-style furniture. It is made to give injuries.

Anonymous said...

Lol. You did NOT try!! So funny.
Your kiddo is tough, and I'm glad he's ok.

Melani said...

So glad Joel is ok. We have already taken Brandon to the ER 2 times in his short life of almost 3 (aug 4th is his birthday). One time for his finger, got slammed in the door by his OLDER sister and he needed 3 or 4 stitches, and then he crashed on this toy he was riding and needed stitches in his chin, tough kid.