Friday, July 9, 2010

Health Care Reform

I woke up this morning to discover that my left eyelid had fused itself shut.

This isn't a normal event. I chalked it up to allergies, pried it open with a wet washcloth, popped in my contacts, and loaded the boys up for my spinning class.

Note: This was a monumentally bad decision.

After class, I looked in the locker room mirror and saw that my eye was red and boogers were oozing out of it.

This was understandably disturbing. My eyes are designed for come-hither glances and the artful application of eyeliner, not as a way-station for green snot.

After infecting the entire gym with my pestilance, the boys and I high-tailed it to my internist. And yes, I eye.

Pink Eye. Really?

I am thirty-five years old. I have taught in public schools for ten years. I have graded essays with dried green snot on them.

I have never, ever, had pink eye before.

Before my doctor helpfully told me that my eyes looked "gross," he faxed a prescription to Rite Aid.

I know that I do not have the power of the famous bloggers of the world, but I will use my forum to say this: Rite Aid is staffed by idiots and I hate them with the white-hot intensity of a thousand setting suns. With a cherry on top.

They didn't have the eye drops for one of the most common ailments in the world.

This meant I had to go to effing Wal-Mart.

Oh, let me add in this tidbit. My left eye was hurting so much that I took out my left contact, leaving me half-blind, and with no depth perception. Driving my two children around. Awesome sauce.

We arrived at Wal-Mart, and were told we had to wait forty-five minutes. I stalked around, half-blind and bitter, grumbling at my children, and wearing sweaty workout clothes.

In other words, I fit right in.

I bought new lipstick and new powder. Still felt stabby. I bought the fixin' for s'mores. Still felt stabby. Went to the pharmacy to see if my prescription was ready.

The lady told me, "Look, we told you 12:15. You need to take a seat for fifteen more minutes."

Ah, hell naw.

I said, "I just don't understand how hard it is to put drops in a bag. I just don't."

"We have to put you through the system," she said.

"Fine," I grumbled, walking back over to my cart, which Joel was presently filling with containers of Tums. "Okay, boys, we have to wait here for FIFTEEN more minutes. Do your best."

Another employee, heneforth known as the Patron Saint of Wal-Mart, said,  "Look, I have kids, too. Four of 'em. You're next."

She took my name, put the drops in a bag, and sent me on my way. We were on our way in three minutes. I love her, and if I ever have a daughter, her name will be Diamonique, in honor of this woman.

Moral of the story? Rite Aid sucks. Wal-Mart sucks too. But, yet, once in awhile, you find that Diamonique in the rough.


Mel said...

Sorry about your pink eye, but thanks for the laugh. This post is hilarious. It was a stroke of genius to let your son help speed things up for you. For the record, Walgreens sucks too. Walmart makes me depressed sometimes, so I try to steer clear. I bet your eye looks better already. I'm going to try and find a humorous post in my next idiotic episode in life, so thanks for that idea too.

Coby said...

Thanks for the out-loud laughs! Maybe you'll have twin daughters and you can call the other one Bon Qui Qui.

*LLUVIA* said...

eek! I had the same incident at wal-mart!! they told me 45 minutes! i went back an hour later and they "asked" me to wait another 30 minutes! I was pissed and Emma was getting cranky! bastards!!!

Aunt of 14 said...

*giggle* I don't mean to laugh at your predicament, god knows it was NOT FUNNY! But the way you write about it was funny.

I think it is all shades of wrong to wait 45 minutes for a prescription!!!! The most they make me wait is 15-20 minutes and thats at Target. THAT still annoys me. I cannot imagine 45 minutes.

You have a badge of perseverance pinned to your shoulder now. You made it through all that, yay for you!

Muliebrity said...

Diamonique in the rough. Pure genius.

Also, you are the reason I spray the gym equipment down with antibacterial cleaner. If I went to the gym, that is.

clearness said...

Put the drops in both eyes.......wash your pillowslip every day in hot water.........BOTH EYES drops in BOTH EYES....Do you understand me...BOTH EYES!!!

I had pink eye, it kept going from my right eye to my left eye....finally after 3 or 4 rounds of pinkeye, I just put drops in both eyes and have yet to have it again

I love how that you're still funny after RiteAid and WalMart AND having pink eye!

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm not sure I would still have a sense of humor after all that! Bravo Nancy! Bravo!

Cheeseboy said...

I had pink eye this last year and it wasn't too bad. The only think that hurt was my eye and I got to skip work and relax.

Melani said...

Yes, you said it, But I think pink-eye sucks, too! Poor Nancy!

I have had it more then enough times. So, be sure you don't put that infected contact in your eye or you will get it all over again!

I don't like wal-mart either, but my husband says because of them he has a job, so I have to be grateful for them, but I don't have to shop there, yay.

Teachinfourth said...

Pink eyes? Are you sure they weren't some of those new contact lenses?

I don't know as if I've ever had pinkeye. If I did, I must have blocked it all out. However, you made it sound like so much fun.

Thank goodness for people who notice our needs in times of distress!

Teachinfourth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. Moon said...

Excellent post. And bless all the Diamoniques in this world for their understanding hearts.
And Walmart sucks.

deb did it said...

I feel your pain. Pink eye, Rite Aide and effing Walmart all in one day? We all need a Daimonique in our lives once in a while and I am happy yours came along when you needed it.

June said...

Pink eye, oh my.
Been a long time since I was infected with that crud but I remember it very well.
I would agree with "Clearness" and put drops in both eyes plus change the pillow case every night.

A Diamonique in the rough, everyday angel.
Hope you recover quickly!!

only a movie said...

I love that you have a sense of humor about it all.
Eye infections suck. I had a bad one in the spring, which turned out to be allergies. I did learn that going to my eye doctor gets better results than family practice. They often have the drops right there (bypassing the waiting at pharmacy part).
I love everyday angels like Diamonique.

Tracie said...

Nancy, you are so funny - even when you're miserable.

You know that you have to stop wearing the contacts, right?

Anonymous said...

Woohoo for Diamonique. "Awesome sauce." Love it. Wal-mart super-sucks. I never ever go there if I can help it. Too bad about Rite-Aid too. No Walgreens or Target or CVS around? Hope the pink-eye scrams soon.

P.S. Thanks for your kind words! I was waiting for someone to love that line (it was my fave of that post). You complete me.

Unknown Mami said...

I once sneezed while laying down and didn't get a chance to cover my mouth and I gave myself pink eye in both eyes. It was awesome.

Mrs4444 said...

Damn, you are good. This is a brilliant post. My favorite, favorite part was,

"In other words, I fit right in."

Please link this up tomorrow-I love it.

Eternal Lizdom said...

I appreciate the humor but totally get the maddening frustration, too. And pink eye totally, totally sucks.

I had suckage with a pharmacy when we started using CVS. Switched to Target and lived happily ever after.

Paul said...

Please don't tell me this entire post was just to set up a bad pun at the end...

Jenny said...

Absolutely brilliant post! I've been so buried and behind on visiting. I am really, really glad I didn't miss this post of yours. It is awesome.

And I'm going to sterilize my screen now. I've had pink eye once compliments of my Grands and there was no diamond in the rough anywhere in that particular equation!

Really, really excellent writing here.

Daffy said...

You so punny!!!

Drug stores in general I think require DUMBASS to be listed somewhere on the application in order for the person to be considered for higher.

Hope you're feeling better!

mimbles said...

Puntastic :-)

45 minutes! I have never had to wait longer than 5-10 minutes for a script and usually it's less than 5. I love the Australian health system so very much.

Jen said...

Oh hells no. In a case like that I have my doc call the script to my pharmacy and then I call as I'm leaving the dr office to make sure it's ready and then pull up in my car and it whooshes to my window. That just wrong, dude!
Jen at Laughing at Chaos

dek said...

I have a feeling the whole post was written to allow the use of the last clause, and for that I salute you.

When did I become my Mom said...

I think you tell the best stories! With the best endings!

Feel better soon with your pinkeye - I've had it. It absolutely sucks.

Amy said...

I don't go to WalMart unless someone puts a gun to my head, which of course just might happen if I am in the WalMart parking lot. A most awesome post! Hope the eye is better soon.

PS -- I linked to your Mikveh post. Loved it and thought my readers might too.

MiMi said...

I go to a drive thru pharmacy because I'm too lazy to drag my fat arse into Walmart or RiteAid.
I'm classy like that.
Also, I used to go to a different pharmacy in a different town and I fought with the lady EVERY time I went.
It got to be the highlight of my day. Because, once again, I'm classy like that.

Stephanie aka The Stark Raving Bibliophile said...

I am sorry you're suffering from pink eye, and I'm sorry you had to go to that den of iniquity known as Wal Mart. :-( HUGS.

LB said...

Sorry about the pink eye, but you made me laugh out loud. Literally!

Yes, Rite-Aid and Hellmart both suck. Thank goodness for Diamonique. She's definitely not from the Memphis area.

Mrs. Call Me Crazy said...

If I evn look at a kid from a daycare, I get pink eye. It sucks.

Bekah said...

The entire post was terrible and funny, but for some reason I REALLY love "Awesome sauce". Stealin' it!

And hope you feel better soon. All those kid ailments feel worse as an adult!

michelle said...

When I got to the part where you popped your contact into your crusty eye I said ruh roh.

Great post. Glad you got drops.

See? Even Walmart has a silver lining

Aging Mommy said...

Oh my, I am so glad it is not just me. I had never had pink eye in my life until two years ago when my daughter was one and I picked it up at My Gym doing a class with her. I was wincing when you said you popped your contact in. I remember how much oozing was going on with my eye by the time I finally figured out what was wrong and made it to my doctor.

Glad you found the diamond in the rough at Walmart.

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted!