Monday, June 8, 2009

Barn Raising

Sometimes I just want to smack myself.

I've been having numbness in my right hand and foot since Thursday. I've ignored it because every other person I know who has had numbness in their hands and feet has ended up with a diagnosis of Multiple Scleroses or Lyme Disease. Neither of which sound like a lot of fun. So, by ignoring the symptoms, they don't exist, and everything is fine.

Except that it is now Monday and I still have the numbness. So, I called the doctor and have an appointment at 5:30. At this appointment, I imagine nothing will happen except that I will get a referral to another doctor, and possibly a trip to get an MRI.

I don't want this, either.

I know, logically, that there are any number of logical reasons for the numbness:
1) Sitting in front of the computer, typing and doing repeated small motions with my right hand.
2) Holding Joel exclusively on my right side. All twenty sack-of-potatoes pounds of him.
3) Doing yoga and pilates four days a week, all of which involves putting pressure on the hands and feet.

Of course, with all of these logical options, I jump right to ass-eating cancer and neuro-degenerative chronic illness. That's faith for you. That's trusting God and leaning not on my own understanding.

I'm just grateful that God is kinda out of his Old Testament-vengeful phase, and more on the grace/loving tip, because if I were God, I would smack the shit out of me for being such a drama-queen hypochondriac.

Maybe that's why I'm not in charge.

I know, logically, that if I have ass-eating cancer, than I already have it and worrying isn't going to do much to take care of it. On the other hand, if I don't have ass-eating cancer, than I've worried for no good reason, and worrying apparently takes years off one's life.

If you claim to have faith, than you have faith. If I do have something seriously wrong, I know that there will be a barn-raising, and God will use his people to protect me and my family from the storm. If nothing is wrong, than this is a reminder to me to be there, and raise that barn for others.

But while I'm waiting...I just need to focus on something else besides me.

I need to let myself feel numb for awhile.

1 comment:

Coby Goesling said...

For what it's worth, I had some numbness last spring - both arms went numb, vision went blurry...Went to urgent care, doctor told me the possibility of MS. Saw a neurologist, had an MRI (which was VERY relaxing I must say! How often do I get to lie down for 20 minutes during the day!)...absolutely nothing wrong. Doctor said it was a "migraine equivalent" - the symptoms of an approaching migraine without the headaches. I'm praying for you, and your peace of mind!