Dear Doctors and Staff of ____________ Pediatrics:
After spending two evenings at your after-hours clinic, it occurred to me that "after-hours" has changed considerably from the freewheeling days of my youth. Evenings that once involved over sharing, the musical stylings of the Beastie Boys, Buffalo Wings, and karaoke renditions of "Sweet Caroline" have been replaced by plastic chairs and clingy children.
In my mind, this is not entirely a fair trade.
Thus, consider my suggestion: blending the best of both words. Continue your convenient, top-of-the-line pediatric services, but add drink specials and entertainment.
I'll supply the box of wine. You can place it in the vaccination fridge. Since your clinic has signs that clearly state that drinking, eating, and cell phone use is prohibited, we will use a code phrase. Guests of _________ Afterhours will come up to the counter and say, "My sippy cup needs a topper-offer." The nurse/barkeep will nod knowingly and take the sippy cup back to the vaccination closet. We'll drink our drinks and wait until your caring staff is able to attend to our childrens' needs.
A friend of mine has a disco ball she is willing to donate. In addition to adding the classy ambiance that all parents look for when shopping around for a pediatrician, it could be rigged to periodically send out a refreshing mist of Lysol.This would be healthful, yet create that "nightclub" vibe.
Naturally, as owners of __________Afterhours, you would be able to partake of the box wine. This may be especially needed when the Penguins are on TV.
You may be concerned about the ill effects of drinking, but let me assure you that this will be a benefit to you. Paranoid, over-the-top parents such as myself will be more mellow, less question-y. While I can't speak for everybody, let me assure you that I am both hilarious and brilliant when I've had a glass or two. You certainly wouldn't want to miss out on that.
Since box wine doesn't come cheap, let's make this an exclusive club, for my friends and acquaintances. For some strange reason, they all requested that I not name them in this missive. I'm sure they'll come around once you approve this idea.
I hope you recognize the many, many benefits of this idea. I eagerly await your response.
(aka Owen and Joel's mother)