Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Fragments: Gringa in the Kitchen

As she pressed the wand against his genitals, she said, "Oh, yes. We do scrotums all the time here."

Alas, this isn't the first line of my yet-published romance horror novel. This is what Lisa, the kindly radiation tech, told me after finishing Joel's ultrasound.

Allow me to share the details and more with you via Mrs. 4444's weekly hosted segment, Friday Fragments. Thanks, as always, for hosting!

Friday Fragments?

What did we learn from Joel's ultrasound? His right testicle is shy (as I write this, I hear George Costanza shrieking, "I was in the pool! I was in the pool!") and has yet to descend. His lefty, though, has a hydrocele, with about 9 cc of fluid. We will get a referral to a urologist, and surgery is likely. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted with news of all things scrotum

I had some "me time" this morning. Meaning, I had a pap smear, followed by an eyebrow waxing. I texted a single friend about this, and she was, understandably, horrified. Simply appalled. "This is not me time," she wrote.

My gynecologist said, "I've never had a patient get pregnant with Mirena."

I swallowed a gallon of air, and said, as non-hysterically as possible, "Well, isn't that the whole point of an IUD?"

"Yes," he answered, "but you never know."

Of course you never know. I've got a 31 year-old brother that is walking, living (and beautiful) proof that determined sperm can kick the ass of any IUD.

Later that morning, as I laid on the table, waiting for Linda to clean up the unholy mess known as my eyebrows, I heard her muttering to herself in Vietnamese. She called to a co-worker. The co-worker came rushing into the waxing room and they had a spirited debate in their bubbly native tongue. It involved repeated gesturing towards my eyebrows, shaking of heads, and lots of pointing.

My only conclusion is that my eyebrows were so appalling that she felt compelled to call in a second opinion. A fracking consult. I must have looked alarmed, because she reassured me, "No. No. These Easy."

I don't believe it.

As the holidays approach, my mind turns to tamales. When I lived in Arizona, we ate tamales on Christmas Eve. Amazing, homemade, spicy-savory, ecstasy-inducing tamales. Many families in the area made mountains of tamales. It's a charming tradition, where there's lot of talking and playing while hands do repetitive work.

When I was teaching, I would inappropriately and nonsensically discuss tamales in blatant attempts to procure them: "Romeo and Juliet's love is both fiery and a perfectly made tamale, without olives." or "I can't decide if I'm going to assign homework this weekend or not. It's hard to grade homework when eating tamales. I wonder where I could get some?"

Even when my subtle attempts were not successful, there would often be a kindly gentleman selling them by the front door of the grocery store.

Just sublime.

Alas, though, the tamales here in Maryland are...lacking. They are too corny or, heaven forbid, made with Chesapeake Blue Crab. Unacceptable.

So, this gringa is going to attempt to make her own tamales. What happens when a white German attempts to make her own masa? I will share it all.

And, if you can't get enough Nancy Campbell, I guest-posted at Corrie's lovely blog: Just Because My Pickle Talks Doesn't Make Me An Idiot. Check out my entry, and her many entertaining posts as well.

Happy Friday!


Confessions Of A Working Mom said...

I love your conversation with your OBGYN... I have an IUD, and I'm relieved to hear he says it's doing what it's supposed to. LOL.

Haha, I agree that a pap is definitely not "you time"... but maybe, just maybe, an eyebrow wax is. If it wasn't so darn painful!


Unknown Mami said...

Too bad you can't get the PAP and wax at the same time.

I love tamales, but have no inclination to make them.

Stop by my blog when you get a chance there is something there for you.

Stephanie said...

That is the BEST first line to a blog post ever. :-) I agree that having people poking at your eye brows and unmentionable parts is not "me time." Then again, as a parent, you savor "me time" at really strange times!

Sarafree said...

Very funny post! I love tamales. Sounds like you are about to embark on your first tamalada. Or come to Texas and get some. I wonder how the Arizona ones differ from the Texas ones. Now you've got me craving tamales!

Cat said...

LOVE the eyebrow story. I'm so ashamed of my brows I feel like I need to pluck them before I get them waxed.

Also, excellent lead in. You certainly got my attention!

blueviolet said...

Interesting combination of appointments you had! I might give you some me time with the wax but not for the pap. You're owed some more me time for having gone through it though.

Came over from Unknown Mami and am glad I did!

The Rambler said...

Unknown Mami told us to come and check you out...sooooo glad I did.

You are hilarious.

And the eyebrow story? I had a story I posted a while back...and lets just say that I haven't been to do my brows in a while. (yikes :)

GREAT blog!!

When did I become my Mom said...

Stopping by from Unknown Mami's.
Kinda curious what your eyebrows look like!!!

4 Lettre Words said...

Tamales on Christmas! Love that idea.

Happy FF...a day late!

One Sassy Girl said...

Oh wow!! Preggs on an IUD?? This post changed my entire world.

Came over on Unknown Mami's rec and am so glad I did!

noisycolorfullively said...

Hilarious! And it doesn't matter what you're doing during your time, as long as no one is asking you to fix them chocolate milk, or wipe their hineys, or clean up their mess while you're getting a pap smear and an eyebrow wax, it is ALL good!

Jen said...

LOVE tamales. And now I want some, thankyouverymuch. ;)
And I totally have to check vasectomy failure rates every few months to reassure myself that it's ok, not gonna happen. LOL

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Funny, I had the George Castanza shriek in my head as I read about Joel, too... :) Hope everything turns out OK!

I'd love to know what those women were talking about in regards to your eyebrows...heh, heh! I definitely wouldn't consider a pap as 'me time' might need a do-over. On the 'me time', that is. ;)

I'd love to hear if you're successful at making an excellent tamale - I agree, out here they're too corny.

Happy FF late! :)

My Life in Purple said...

Unknown Mami likes us both, and I can see why. Congrats on your award :)

I'll be back for more!