Wednesday, October 13, 2010


In my oh-so-illustrious blogging career, I've discovered a few truths about comments.

1. People will comment if you write about your vagina.

2. People will comment if you write about embarrassing crushes. (Especially if you admit your lust love for Benjamin Linus and Malcolm Gladwell.)

3. People love to share their opinions about painting and home repair in general.

In light of this, I thought I would tell of the time my vagina repainted my master bedroom under the watchful gaze of a post-coital Michael Cera:

I find this guy nerdy-hot, and even I find that mental image shudderific.

(Although I do wonder how a vagina would paint a bedroom. My guess is badly.)

This incredibly long buildup is to let the one reader who might care about such things know that I've finally completed the home repair project I blogged about on March 23, 2010. 

The room used to look like this:

I'm not sure what was most offensive about this room....the One Day at a Time inspired comforter, the 80s-fabulous lamp, or the lovely bullfighting picture. Let's not forget the CORAL paint sample on my wall. 

There may be additional reasons why we don't have a third child. This is not a room conducive to sexy time.

This paint sample and all the related ugly-ocity remained festering in my room until Tuesday. We bought a duvet cover, painted the room, and now retire to this: 

It is still a work in progress. The lamp is too big for the corner bookcase, and I'm not sure that the curtain will stay. But now, at least, I don't feel like I'm living in a set from Boogie Nights

Since I'm totally getting my Martha Stewart on, let me tell you about my other attempt at houseness. 

My kids and I go on lots of walks. During these walks, Owen collects rocks, leaves, and other organic materials and takes it home for his "treasure box." We now have three of them: 

These are the three vases from the three bouquets of flowers I have been given  in my entire life recently.

The far left holds bits of coral found along the banks of the Chesapeake. The far right holds various treasures, including rocks, Sweet Gum Balls, shells, rocks, and rocks. I plan on using it to maim any midnight intruders. The one in the middle contains the acorns found on my front steps. 

These three treasure boxes remind me that it doesn't take much to find wonder and beauty in this world. It doesn't take too much to make your kid happy. It isn't that hard to make things pretty. 

That is, unless, you're picking up the acorns with your vagina. That's a whole other story.


only a movie said...

Think my first comment here was regarding Benjamin Linus fondness. your new fave...a bit too young for me.

Love your new spread and the treasures. My bedroom decor is from the Grandmotherly Handmedown Collection.

Snuggle Wasteland said...

I'm sure somewhere in a seedy strip club there's a Klassy Gal with a vagina that can paint and pick up acorns. I am not Googling it though as I would have to rinse my eyes with bleach.

PS Love the bedroom. You did a great job!

Ms. Moon said...

I love the vase with acorns the most. I just do love it. I don't know why.

Alisha said...

LOLOL! Nancy! Yeah, some vajayjay talents should just be kept quiet. Mine can't pick up acorns or paint. It can, however, shoot out 11 lb babies.

The "post-coital" Michael Cera remark nearly made me cackle. He kills me, but he is about as far from sexy as they come to me. I do like me some nerds, but he's more of the "best friend" type. I prefer David Krumholtz from Numb3rs, but in his Santa Clause days. Yep, there were many Bernard marrying fantasies going on there...

Matty said...

As luck would have it, my very first visit to your blog was that vagina post. I knew right away I was in the right place. LOL I even went back and read the comments from that post, and they was as good as the post itself.

My wife has an unusual sense of attractiveness. She finds men attractive that most women don't. Hmmmm, I wonder where that leaves me.

Nice touch on the bedroom. I see more sex in your future.

noisycolorfullively said...

Isn't Michael Cera like 12? I'm just saying.

And, Simeon has treasures exactly like this. Only he dumps his out all over the floor a gazillion times a day. There is nothing like stepping on an acorn on your way to the bathroom at 2am.

I want to foster his love of discovery and exploration, but sometimes all that crap really ticks me off, you know?

Michelle Pixie said...

We have a vase of treasured seashells the girls have collected through the years and it would definitely be one of those things we would grab if there were a fire. I love your collection!

The room looks lovely! I love the blue walls...we have granny green and I still kick myself for not going with blue when we painted 3 years ago. Since then 2 other rooms have been painted blue. ;-)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I am terribly disappointed that we didn't get a video image of the vagina remodeling your home. And now I am not ever coming back to your blog unless you promise AN ENTIRE POST on picking up acorns with your vagina. Or someone's vagina anyway. Please do not dissapoint.

From Tracie said...

The bedroom looks very cute. I love the treasure vases too. Free decorating through children.

I'm thinking you would have to do some major Keegals to get your vagina to paint a room.

shortmama said...

Great transformation!

June said...

I love the reference to "One Day at a Time"... makes me feel old but funny either way!

The treasures in vases are a great idea.

TKW said...

Oh my God, I'd forgotten about One Day at a Time. I used to love that show!

I am rather sad that my vagina cannot paint rooms. That would be quite handy. Alas, my vagina is as lazy as the rest of me.

Quirkyloon said...

LMBO! *snort*

Two thoughts. First Michael Cera had you at his fetching legs from JUNO, right?


"(Although I do wonder how a vagina would paint a bedroom. My guess is badly.)"

Think textured walls.

You're welcome.

hee hee hee

mama-face said...

hahaha. As long as you don't have a jar of vaginas (vagini?) on your shelf your interior decorating skills will remain unmatched. That's just my opinion.

Michael Cera? SAME!!! What is it about him and I think I do NOT want to know.


Salt said...

Your vagina apparently does a better job at painting then I can do with my hands. That's a sad state of affairs for me.

Really though it looks lovely! I love all your Martha Stewart-esque touches!

erika said...

Funny :) You did a great job with the room!

MiMi said...

I think it all looks fantastic!!

adrienzgirl said...

I think that the color sample on the wall gave that room some character! ;) The new look is more you and updated though, it's verrrrry niiiice!

Perhaps baby three after all?

Oh...I love the rocks! We don't have rocks in FL. I used to love picking them up when I was little. I missed them when we moved here.

Unknown Mami said...

Thanks now I have a mental image of you picking up acorns with your vagina. Always have to be bragging about what your vagina can do. No humility whatsoever.

blueviolet said...

The vases of your collected goodies makes me smile. I'm such a sentimental person and that is real treasure!

I hope you and your vagina truly enjoy your room makeover!

drollgirl said...

well thank you for making me laugh!

Jenny said...

You just always make me laugh. Your writing is soooo perfect. I only wrote about my umm.... you know... once. Tomorrow, however, I am writing about condoms.


Marla said...

I had this weird feeling you might be writing about female body parts and lo and behold, I was right.

Silly crack me up~

Muliebrity said...

Michael Cera looks like Paul with hair! I am sure you already realize that though.

LB said...

Your vagina did a great job on the painting! Can I borrow it? LOL!

Mrs4444 said...

omg-You're a funny one!

I cleaned Kyle's room tonight (finally). There were a LOT of little rocks/pepples/marbles, etc. in there. Better buy yourself some flowers!

Florida Girl Meets the Midwest said...

Michael Cera? Really? Well, clearly you are not alone or he would not be a celeb.

Sounds like your vagina is much more productive than mine.