Thursday, August 12, 2010

Taco Tales

This morning, in a typical burst of self-pity,  I wrote the following for my Facebook status update:

I'm attempting to write something funny that doesn't involve my kids and I've got nothing. This depresses me and makes me question my life choices.

Later that day, my mom called, and said, "Hi honey, it's Mom. I think you should write about pubic hair." 

How can you pass that up?   

I think I will go one step further and write about lady parts in general, because really, who wants to be employed? 

You've been warned, readers.  

Part The First: Grooming

My mother was one of those damned dirty hippies, and she never taught me that most people trim their business. I really had no idea. 

I figured that some people were just lucky, and others...well, they wore boy shorts. 

It wasn't until Sex and the City that I realized that many people waxed themselves, and for that, I apologize, every boyfriend I've ever had. 

I admit that I still am unable to submit to waxing, because I am terrified. Absolutely petrified. I have, however, asked my dear husband to clean things up a bit during the later phases of both my pregnancies. 

Part the Second: Mine Can Read Minds

One of my best friends from college happens to prefer the ladies. She and her girlfriend have been together for about a hundred million years. Not surprisingly, she brings out the Venus in me, and many of our conversations, after a few cocktails, turn into snatch-offs. 
It's kinda like the movie Eight Mile, except that we don't rap, and we're bragging solely about the power of our respective vaginas. 

Please don't judge. Let me repeat, NUMEROUS COCKTAILS. 

A typical exchange: 

Friend: Mine can sing opera AND work a ventriloquist dummy at the same time.

Me: But can you do it while gargling vodka? Five times a day, the faithful turn towards mine and pray. 

Friend: My snatch is a certified necromancer . . . and, in response to your earlier question, it can gargle, spit out, and then catch tequila all in a ...motion that reminds strangers of the fountains in Vegas.

Me: Just wait until mine unleashes Blue Steel.

Friend: Please, yours will never turn left. I, unlike you, am like a freakin' Wonka'vator! I can go upways, downways, sideways, slantways . . . if there's a way, I hit that shit.

We can do this for hours. 

Part the Third: I Didn't Know this Was Music Class

Ever since my two vaginal births, I have become more...musical...downstairs than I had been in the past. 
All yoga classes are now accompanied by the delightful sounds of my queefs. 

After Owen was born, I couldn't do much of anything without causing a cacophony of queefing. In other words, my vajajay had gas. They don't tell you that in What to Expect When You're Expecting.

I think I terrified my brother-in-law, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Part the End: Tales from the Taco

All things considered, I like my lady parts. They've given me my boys, good times, and blog fodder. Not to get all Vagina Monologues on you, but I'm curious. Do you have a taco tale to share? Do you want to join the snatch-off conversation?

Step up. I dare you.  


Muliebrity said...

I love that you are so comfortable about this subject you call it public hair. I think you have your public gaff. ;-)

Muliebrity said...

I meant PUBIC gaff.

adrienzgirl said...

OMG! This was hilarious. You had me peeing in my parents. One of my delightful new additions from having three vaginal births.

Excuse me while I go change my panties!

My Life in Purple said...

Best. Post. Ever.

I once got brave and attempted to wax myself with those Nair wax strips for legs. (NEVER do this) I slapped it on, right in the middle, pulled it off...until it started to hurt so effing bad I stopped half way. I took a deep breath a tried to finish the rest. Once I was done I looked down and there were a thousand tiny holes bleeding. Needless to say, I threw a cold washcloth on that puppy and sat down in the bathroom and cried.

I just shaved the rest...but for 3+ months I had stubble and a reverse landing strip!

Nancy C said...

Caught, it Mulie. Thanks. How embarrassing.

Erin said...

I think I might love you.

I quit yoga years ago b/c I had a queef during class. Fortunately it was of the silent variety, but as you know, some are not so quiet. I was terrified that certain poses would prompt it to happen again, so I stopped, which was/is a shame b/c I really loved yoga. I have suffered in silence b/c people ask me all the time why I won't go back and I don't know what to say....

also, I get my business waxed. I didn't know about grooming until my mom told me after seeing me in my swimsuit one day and noticing. ugh. wish i'd known, but fortunately I was a teenager at the time.

Yesterday at my monthly wax appt, I got burned for the first time. Not fun. But I will continue to go back. Once i started, I kept it up. I was so terrified and self conscious the first time I cried and was snotting everywhere and I remember asking her, "Do I look normal down there," because honestly I was so afraid of my "stuff."

Ms. Moon said...

You know, I am totally against total hair removal in the nethers. If women were supposed to have girlie parts like well, girls, they would. And that's all I have to say about THAT! And yes, I'm a hippie but I am not dirty. Well, I'm dirty when I've been working outside but I do love soap and water.

Aunt of 14 said...

I've never seen it referred to as a queef!!! *giggles* I've called it vajay coughs. Except it does't exactly cough now that I think about it. I've also called it vagina bubbles too. And you know what? I've never had a vaginal birth so I wonder if it will be much worse when I do have a baby.

It grosses me out to think that men prefer bald ladies. I want to call them perverts. But I do realize that trimming it somewhat is in the best interest of all parties that is involved with my parts. I had the same experience as My Life In Purple though. I tried waxing once, resulted in millions of bloody dots all over. It was very painful!!!

I once had a spontaneous orgasm in the middle of the grocery store. And this is from somebody who has never had an orgasm before or since. I have no idea what was going on with my taco... I was just walking along the cold aisle pushing my cart and suddenly I had to bite my lip, cross my legs and bend over. In an attempt to contain it somehow, which was futile. It shook me up, needless to say! And I never went back to that store again.

Melissa said...

Well that was highly amusing and I love that your mom suggested the topic. I did not know how to spell queef. So thank you for the spelling lesson!

only a movie said...

This is WAY braver than the liking-your-arms post.

I am passing this along for others to enjoy.

And love Ms. Moon's comment.

See how I'm not telling you a story about my lady bits, yet still commenting?

Salt said...

I have no good Vaggie Tales to tell, but I love the fact that you got the idea for this blog from your mom. It totally sounds like something my mom would suggest.

TerresaE said...

I too had no idea you were supposed to trim up more than just what was necessary in order to wear a bathing suit until my then soon-to-be husband was brave enough to bring it up. Glad I don't have the only mom who didn't know/didn't share that bit of info.

Quirkyloon said...

I feel so enlightened.


So that's what they're called.

Thank-you from the bottom of my heart!

shortmama said...

I have no good wahoo tales but the fact that you did a whole post on the topic I think we could be friends! Hilarious!

Buffee said...

OMG! I was reading this while I was going to the restroom at work! How appropriateis that? I'm sure everyone was wondering what in the world I was laughing about! Hilarious!

I'm thanking the "Infertility Gods" right now for never having to give birth! LOL!

I'm actually one of those "lucky" girls, I barely have hair down there! No waxing necessary!

Mel said...

You are hilarious! I am not as brave or interesting with my lady parts, but would love to learn to play snatch off's competitively. I hadn't heard of them and thought it had something to with group waxings!

I can't do the wax thing, as I'm not interested in pain, and any attempts at shaving have left me looking like I have chicken pox of the crotch, so it's Nair for me, or a skirted swimsuit. I'm digging the boy shorts suits these days too. Less scary for the little children.

Thanks to your mom for the idea and to you for making it so honest and funny.

Grimmgirl said...

Ok, Nancy, since you opened the door for this, here's a poem I wrote when I was young and sassy. I published it in the campus newspaper -- a campus with 28,000 students!There are perks for being the literature editor!

I take pictures of my vagina

to put in plastic
frames, pewter frames,
frames with little blue
porcelain pansies pasted
at each corner. My vagina
stares out, a gaping hole,
a single perfect gazing eye,
a cat's eye, a silly bearded
grin, magnified to poster
size in the garage, displayed
8 x 10 in the hall next to
College Graduation, 5 x 7 in
the heavy glass Mikasa heart
on my headboard, and stuck
as a wallet in the red square
magnet to the refrigerator door.
All smooth and pink and wet
on a good day, my vagina smiles
from each corner of the house,
and walking by, I smile at it,
knowing that I will never have to
change these frames again, that
men can come and leave, slamming
doors behind them, but I will
always have my vagina.

noisycolorfullively said...

I could not blog about this. My mother in law is a reader and she would seriously lose her mind if she saw something like that.

My taco is wild and wooly and I love her that way. I think it makes her stronger... very Samson.

Besides, it's the only one Leo's known, so he doesn't mind. And with all the damn eyebrow, lip and chin hair I have to manage, I can't possibly groom any more!

Beth Zimmerman said...

There is NO WAY I could blog on this topic! I can barely believe I read the whole thing! (But it was VERY entertaining!) If you happen to visit my blog today and see the post re:assigning me blog subjects, do NOT assign this one! Seriously!

MiMi said...

OMG. You said queef.
I really got nothing here.
Freakin' hilarious and BRAVE!!!

Cheeseboy said...

Oh my goodness, as funny as this was, I am still amazed that I read the whole thing.

I don't think I will ever write about mine, but I guess you never know.

So, did I read that correctly, your MOM told you to write about this subject?!

Bekah said...

Well, I have never seen the word queef in print- so there's that. I have a taco story to share, as told to me by my friend, an ER nurse. Apparently, some women have such amazing vaginas that they carry stuff around in them. Mostly illegal stuff, like drugs, but whatever. We dubbed the little plastic baggies that hold said stuff "Vaj Bags". Now, if only they were comfortable and/or trendy, I could give up my huge mom bag that I lug around!

Bekah said...

Well, I have never seen the word queef in print- so there's that. I have a taco story to share, as told to me by my friend, an ER nurse. Apparently, some women have such amazing vaginas that they carry stuff around in them. Mostly illegal stuff, like drugs, but whatever. We dubbed the little plastic baggies that hold said stuff "Vaj Bags". Now, if only they were comfortable and/or trendy, I could give up my huge mom bag that I lug around!

Melani said...

hahahahah is all I can muster up right now... and I can soooooo relate to the umm queefs, in the mornings, and I have given birth to 4 children!!! I get up and boom before you know it one comes out and I can't control it and my hubby said something one time, and I was like no, not a fart, not from there, and just continued on to the bathroom to pee!!!!! Poor dude, has no clue how bad it sucks to be a woman.

Love this post, BTW!~!!

Melani said...

oh I forgot this part, my mom is like Ms Moon, never shaved and never will...I on the other hand had to figure it out for myself, and shave, thank-you-very-much! I don't think I could wax, I might cry!

Busted Kate said...

SEE?!? You are hilarious, kids or not!!! I knew you could do it :-) And your mom is genius.

I just tweeted about my yoga queefs!!

Sarafree said...

Haha! Feel like I know you so much better now. But can't think of any memorable taco tales. Thankfully, have very little body hair. It's all on my head, where it should be.

Unknown Mami said...

Puh-leaze, my vagina can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan.

My vagina was once cast as Richard the III. Sure people were confused, but I'm sure Shakespeare was proud.

Sonya said...

Oh man Im bouncing up and down in my chair laughing sooooooooooooo hard..LOL I just love that you go there with your blog posts..My mom NEVER talked about anything even close to sex or upkeep or ANYTHING. I only learned about it when a friend put on her parents secret porn
I dont like all the hair,so mine is all gone and I love waxing though.

Im telling you..write a book..even if it's nothing but your thoughts and a quote book, I would so buy it. Please..think about it :P

Erin said...

laughing my ass off at Grimmgirl's poem---and for some reason blogger had me not following you, so i'm following you again. went to find you in my dashboard and couldn't find you. so i'm back now, FYI!


happy friday the 13th!

clearness said...

I don't really have a story about my lady bits, but this one was great. Thanks for sharing....and I only trim...and just a little. I could probably braid my lady bits hair.

Tracie said...

In college I knew a girl who could queef the school's fight song. Sometimes her sister would join in for a duet. Klassy.

Matty said...

Well now, my first visit to your blog and I'm treated to some who-ha hilarity. I feel like I know you so intimately now. LOL

LB said...

No ma'am. I think I will pass on the snatch off. However, that comment about your brother-in-law has me curious. Hmmm... Are you a little freaky, Miss Thang?

Jen said...

Ok, next time you're in town we'll go for drinks instead of coffee and we can totally have a snatch-off. I had no idea. LOL! : )

Jen at Laughing at Chaos

michelle said...

I love that you got a gazillion comments on the snatch post. We need a blog snatch-a-thon. 24hrs of nothing but snatch.

I also love that the faithful turn in your direction and bow 5 times a day. True devotion.


lisleman said...

Looking across the restaurant, you can't but help notice the table of ladies whispering and laughing their asses off. Now I know one other possible subject for their fun.

Thanks I learned a new word from you blog - queef
What's the ruling on scrabble game use?