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Friday, August 20, 2010

What Remains

The red dress club did a number on me with this week's Red Writing Hood challenge.

The idea is to write a descriptive piece that takes place in either a shower or over a meal.

The kicker? No personal pronouns.

Dude, this was haaaaaaaaaard.




If you are a new reader, in "real life" I am pretty funny and not quite so deep. Thanks for stopping by.

As always, suggestions, comments, and advice are welcome!

What Remains

Sitting on the bench in this chrome and glass coccon. Normally, a sanctuary. Today, a laboratory.

Yes. The water is hot, because any feeling is a good feeling. Pain means something has remained.

No hospital grade cakes of soap today. Rather, Egyptian cotton washcloths and  citrus body wash from last spring's visit to Canyon Ranch.  From before.

Each strand of hair, long and shroud-like, gets a benediction. Tender strokes and soft lavender suds. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Glorious and red, yet already a faded sunset.What will remain?

Scrubbing. Like Lady Macbeth, Out, Out, Damn Medical Adhesive. The marks, these sticky obscenities. They claimed this steamy sanctuary. Out. Begone. 

Finally, the moment. The Doctor had said after the surgery, Got it all. It could run, but it couldn't hide.

The Doctor talked like a cowboy, facing off Cancer in a shoot-out. This was strangely comforting.


Trembling fingers rub the precise black stitches, and caress the familiar rise and fall---now a concave phantom. Tomorrow, a fight. Today, a lament.


Tears intermingle with the pounding hot water, soundlessly working their way to the drain.

Give it some time to heal, The Doctor said. It will be more beautiful than ever before. Nothing is more beautiful than what remains.

26 comments:

Veronica said...

Wow, incredible.

Ms. Moon said...

Now that is some tasty and heartfelt writing.

Ash said...

I had no doubt you would knock this out of the park. So touching and vibrant.

Bet you didn't struggle all that much ;-)

clearness said...

You should totally enter this into any writing contest you can find. It's great.

Florida Girl Meets the Midwest said...

Touching. And beautiful.

Thank you for visiting my blog.

Cheryl said...

Just lovely and heartfelt. Really, really well done.

Mommy Wis(h)dom said...

Wow - great piece! Very visual!

I was worried about the lack of pronouns too when I started. Today I am speaking in ALL pronouns. It doesn't make much sense but I missed those guys.

The Ninja said...

You are FANTASTIC. That is all I have to say...

shortmama said...

Amazing!

Shell said...

FABULOUS!

Cheeseboy said...

Wow, that would be HARD. You did well though. You did well.

Aging Mommy said...

This is absolutely brilliant, superbly written. Full of emotion. Just brilliant.

Quirkyloon said...

Very impressive! Very touching!

Bravo!

Jessica Anne said...

Wow. Really, really great.

Joanna Jenkins said...

That was seriously good, Nancy! Great job.
jj

ModernMom said...

Wow! That was fabulous. Really.

The Empress said...

I;m with the commenter above. THis needs to be entered in something. It is so solid and tightly written.

JUST so wonderful. Not an unnecessary word in there.

Matty said...

Just reading it, I could tell how hard it was to leave out the pronouns. Nice job!

Coby said...

Uhm, you are the shiite. Ditto to what Matty said - I can see how difficult that was to leave out the pronouns, but you did it beautifully. This piece made me want to go back and read it again.

rebecca said...

This is a piece that touches people at the core - it's raw. And it's excellent. I really like the Lady Macbeth reference.

MiMi said...

That is fantastic!!!!
How the hell did you do it without personal pronouns??? LOL I couldn't!

Missy@Wonder, Friend said...

Fantastic! Very moving.

When did I become my Mom said...

Wow. Goosebumps.

You're an awesome writer.

noisycolorfullively said...

love it.

Tracie said...

This could be your best one yet. Can you hear me clapping? I am, you know.

Erin said...

You blow my mind. I'm still playing catch up....fantastic. Riveting.