Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dear Santa: I need a GPS.

Since Paul is in San Diego, vacationing on the taxpayer's dollar, I mean, doing important work, I was looking for a distraction from the long evening slog to bedtime. It came from the optician's office: "Joel's new lenses are ready."

Joel needed new lenses because in his attempts to EAT his existing lenses, he scratched them mercilessly. Looking through them, I was reminded of a rib joint we went to just south of The District (that would be Prince George's County, for those in the know). The food was good, but the true marvel was the several inch-thick bulletproof glass that surrounded the counter. You ordered through an intercom and slipped your money/received your food through a slot, prison-style. The food was tasty, but I would not recommend patronizing JJ's Ribs after two in the afternoon, unless you are Superman. (Because, he's...bulletproof.)

My point? Joel's glasses were as dirty and scratched up as the bulletproof glass counter.

Naturally, the only place that sells Joel's baby frames is in the fine city of Waldorf. Waldorf is known for...its strip malls. And....its strip malls. Oh! And nearby is the Samuel Mudd House, home of the doctor that set John Wilkes Booth's leg after he assassinated Lincoln, and was on the lam from the law. (Random tidbit, perhaps, but it's an interesting place.)

So, we were off to Waldorf. It's a straight shot, almost impossible to miss. Unless you're me. We're driving and driving, and I suddenly noticed a preponderance of Checks Cashed storefronts and many surly individuals drinking things out of paper bags. I had, miraculously, managed to zone out the ENTIRE city of Waldorf, only to drive into...wait for it...Prince George's County! Where, of course, I was running out of gas.

Both boys were hungry, so while I fueled up, I threw mountains of crunchy foodstuffs in their laps, and attempted a plan of action. I could have checked my GPS, except that we DIDN'T HAVE ONE. I could have called the store, except that, like a moron, I had let my cell phone go dry AGAIN. I figured I would drive back home, and hope that I would manage to SEE Waldorf instead of getting distracted by shiny lights, or signs, or whatever was keeping me from finding the LARGE CITY. The city that, incidentally, I already DROVE THROUGH on my way to getting LOST.

Right. I drove in the direction of home, and sure enough, there was Waldorf. The familiar landscapes---Bed, Bath and Beyond, Chuck E. Cheese---, were there all along. I found the optician, and dragged the boys in. Both children had Gerber puffs attached to various parts of their bodies. I explained to the kind-hearted lady, "I don't know how I managed to get lost. I mean, what happened?"

She looked me up and down and said, not unkindly, "I think motherhood happened."

We left with our new glasses (News Flash! My kid has blue eyes! I wasn't sure before...) and, of course, I had to take the kids to dinner.

Ribs, anyone?

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