Magic Juice

When I was pregnant with Joel, Owen couldn't have given a rat's ass.

We would say, "Your brother is growing in Mommy's tummy," and dutifully do bedtime prayers for "Baby Joel" each night. If we could get any response from him at all, it would be a one word answer like "Yeah," or nonsense like, "Swiper, no swiping!"

People would say to him, "Are you excited to be a big brother?"

He would reply, "Yeah!"

"What does it mean to be a big brother, Owen?" I would sometimes ask, as a follow-up.

He'd think for a moment, than reply, "It means....WEASEL!'

Right.

What a difference a year makes.

Owen has seen my sister-in-law, his Auntie Erin, grow larger and larger with each visit. He's been very curious, and I've attempted to explain to him that Baby Kiri is in Auntie Erin's tummy, and she'll come out when she's ready.

Then, on Sunday night, Baby Kiri was ready, and she's since come out.

Owen must have been mulling this over in his mind for a few days, because we had this conversation over Chef Boyardee:

Owen asked, "Mommy, how did Baby Kiri get out of Erin's tummy?"

"Well," I said, "Baby Kiri said, 'Hey Mom, I'm ready to come out!' So, she pushed and pushed and pushed until she came out."

Owen's eyes grew wide. "Did she slide out?" Owen's very into slides.

"No," I replied, "Erin probably had to push her out."

"Where did she push her out? Out of her leg?" he asked.

Well. How technical did I want to get? I decided to stay simple. "Out of her tummy."

Owen looked concerned, "Did it break her tummy?" He glanced quickly at his own tummy, putting his hands on it protectively.

Wishing to avoid potential late-night stalling regarding broken tummies, I decided to go for broke. "Kiri came out of Erin's vagina."

"Where is her vagina?"

"Between her legs. Where your pee-pee is."

Owen looked confused. "Where is Erin's pee-pee?"

Oh, Lord. "Do you want me to show you?"

"Yes!"

I sat on the chair, and hoisted my legs up. I did not drop my pants because if he wanted to know more than this, I would draw him a damn picture. "You see, honey," I said, pointing to my tummy, "Baby Kiri lived here until she got big enough. Then, she slid--I mean, went, down here," I said, pointing between my legs, "and came out here!"

"Oh," he replied, "Baby Kiri, came out of Erin's pee-pee!"

"No," I said, wondering why I was having this conversation already. This was so not on my radar. "Erin and Mommy have vaginas."

"PAGINA!" Owen said, shrieking. This is his newest annoying habit, YELLING! FOR NO GOOD REASON! AND NOW! HE'S YELLING VAGINA!

After a good talk-to about VOLUME and MOMMY'S SENSITIVE HEARING, Owen resumed a conversation that I had hoped had died its merciful death.

"Mommy? How did the baby get in Erin's tummy?"

Please do not judge my answer. I didn't think we would be discussing reproduction before preschool. So, off the top of my head, I said, "Magic juice."

All together now: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Owen said, "That's enough, Mommy."

Indeed, Owen. That is enough. Let's never speak of this magic juice again.