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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Working on it

I think Joel is fighting a cold. If this was Owen, I would shrug and accept that this is all part of life. But, since this is Joel, I always go to That Place and think about Those Things and I feel so helpless and terrified that my throat tightens up and tears come from nowhere.This isn't healthy, and I'm trying to work on it.

I was talking to Paul on the phone about it and I said, "Remember, when we were in the recovery room, after Joel's tubes were put in?" We were gazing down at Joel as he wore his little hospital gown, his duckling-fluff hair so bright and shiny against the dark-blue walls of the hospital crib. He was so still, and then, he slowly fought through the haze of the anesthesia. He gazed around, looking for his Mommy and Daddy, but all he saw were hazy, dark walls. He lifted up his hands, trusting that somebody, somewhere, would hold him.

Of course, I didn't say all of this to him, but when he said, "Of course I do," I knew that he understood the fears of That Place and Those Things, and knew exactly how I felt.

***

I've been such a disaster. Joel hasn't been sleeping as well, and everything falls apart when I'm tired. Today, for example, as I stepped into the lobby of the preschool, I realized that I had forgotten Owen's school bag. That is, the school bag with the apple in it.

The kids were supposed to bring in apples today for an activity. Over the weekend, we went to Wegman's, aka Owen's heaven, to pick out the best, most perfect apple. I, of course, put the apple in Owen's school bag so I wouldn't forget it.

His teacher said it was no big deal, and a thoughtful mom had brought in extra apples for all of the Loser Parents. Really, it worked out just fine.

But, probably because I'm tired and already nervous about Joel, I felt like crying. Over an apple. And a school bag.

And, when Owen came out, carrying his notes and crafts in a plastic grocery bag, he was smiling. His teacher, however, was concerned about Owen's habit of constantly touching himself. "Does he need to use the restroom?"  she asked.

"No, " I sighed. "That's just his thing. We're working on it."

***
 I know that the stress of these  various  workable problems was getting to me when a friend mentioned, concerned, that she could hear the irritation in my voice.

"I know," I said, "I'm working on it."

I just need to know where to start. Anyone?

4 comments:

Corrie Howe said...

I know when I'm stressed out by everything, I start looking at my life for what I can stop doing. Even if it is only stop holding myself to such an impossible standard.

And remember, Jesus loves you. :-)

Becky said...

I don't know if this helps, but I find that the things people stress or worry about the most, are the things that either matter the least or they end of having little effect on the end result. Take some of this off yourself. Make Owen responsible for his book bag, resolve to accept that Joel's sleeping patterns are erratic and that's just him, and when you catch yourself going to "That Place" throw a quarter in a jar. at the end of the week add it up and keep track of your totals. Maybe seeing the "total" of your time spent will allow you to see that you're being pretty reasonable with your thoughts or you are busting your emotional budget.

If you ever want to talk call me. I know you're not a phone person, but I am and I can bring out the talker in anyone! Let me know!

Nancy Campbell said...

That quarter idea is possibly the most brilliant thing I have ever heard. Thank you so much.

Facebook message me your new number. :)

Melani said...

I agree with Becky, do the quarter thing, it may help. When I start thinking about things too much, like the current situation, I have to stop myself and say a quick prayer to have God help me thru this situation and then move on to something more positive, like cleaning! Just kidding, but you get the idea. I clean when I am upset or have too much on the brain so my house is really clean lately!