Pages

Friday, October 9, 2009

UDH

Whenever Paul takes the car out for an extended period, he does reasonable things, like check the air pressure and oil  He also makes sure there is enough gas.

Me? I make sure that my tweezers are in the glove compartment, right where they belong. This, I've learned, is crucial.

If you are reading this, and you are a natural blond or redhead, I want you to know two things:
1) I hate you, just a little.
2) I only hate you because you don't know the horrors of Unnecessary Dark Hairs (henceforth referred to as UDH).

It started around my late twenties. I started to see hair sprouting from odd places. Dark hairs. Occasionally, curly. And no, this is not an oversharing tale of puberty, a la, "Are you there God? It's me, Nancy." The hairs I'm referring to were GROWING OUT OF MY FACE.

I know! The shame! The horror! I noticed my first UDH on a long road trip. Paul was driving, and I had read my magazines. We were talked out. There was nothing to do but pull down the mirror visor and check myself out.

As I scanned my face, I saw it. It was coarse, it was black, and it was growing right out of my chin. Proud and defiant, the offending hair was a black lighthouse in my sea of white flesh. I gasped, and wondered:

1) How long had I walked around with this Billy Goat scruff?
2) And, oh dear God, how many people saw it?
3) And WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS to TELL ME THESE THINGS?

I attempted to pull it out with my fingertips, but this action only caused it to curl in a horrifying fashion. I now had a curly dark hair growing out of my face. There was only one solution: subterfuge.

When we arrived at our destination, I spent the remainder of the evening with my hand on my chin, looking like Rodin's The Thinker. This looked stupid, and resulted in a zit on my chin the next day. You know, next to the big black hair. Throughout the night, I kept thinking, "I am growing a beard, I am growing a beard, OMG I am growing a beard."

Lest you be concerned that this indicates a possible disorder, let me assure you that I've been checked out. I take my thyroid medicine and am in good health. Yet, despite my clean bill, the occasional errant hair still makes its ungodly appearance.

Thus, I have learned to always travel with tweezers. I've learned that despite diligent checking in the safety and privacy of my bathroom, these UDHs are both sneaky and tenacious. I must be forever vigilant, and catch them in well-lit places, where they are unable to hide. Places like...cars.

So, if you are driving around Southern Maryland, and you pull up next to a green Subuaru, do not be surprised to see me scanning my chin in the mirror, tweezers at the ready. I do not pluck and drive, but, if the light is red, it's game time. My tweezers and I will defeat the UDHs.

And please, as a friend, do your civic duty and inform me if a UDH has reared its ugly head. I will do the same for you, and we will make this world a better-groomed place. One red light at a time.

7 comments:

Corrie Howe said...

I carry tweezers on vacation. But I have to have finger nail clippers at all times. I hate hang nails and uneven nails. I'm starting to get in the habit of nail files too.

Thanks for sharing. :-)

Becky said...

You are so wrong! (shaking head) Did I mention I'm blond and have never had to touch my eyebrows? i actually have to make them darker. I do have this hairy mole. It pain me to write this. I must stop now.

Nancy Campbell said...

I hope, Becky, that you have learned of the many challenges facing those of us who suffer from UDH. I could say something about the suffering from being blond, but that would be unkind, and I like you too much for such behavior.

j said...

You took the words right out of my fingertips... Seriously.

Jenny Wempen Erickson

Melani said...

YEs I agree with BEcky! I am a blond and I have this mole that grows long black hairs that I have to indeed pluck! Gross! I really dislike it and to make it worse my 2 yr old has an attachment to the mole, it is on my neck and when he was weaned from nursing, it was the mole he grabbed for. Security. Weird, I know! LOL I don't know what he will do when I have it removed!

Nancy Campbell said...

This post has been such an education. Truly.

Anonymous said...

I lather up for a full shave every morning.
Jamie