Tuesday, March 16, 2010

House Hunters Drives Me to Drink

Dear House Hunters on HGTV,

You are totally harshing my mellow.

Being that I had total control of the remote last night, I watched your fine program, House Hunters. It took about five minutes for me to be consumed with irrational hatred regrading everything and everyone involved with the show.

It took place in Las Vegas, and the house-hunting couple looked at three MANSIONS. These were utterly huge homes, with soaring ceilings, skylights, hardwood floors, and enough granite to drown the entire Soprano family.

I think the most expensive home was $250,000 dollars. That home used to belong to Siegfried and Roy.

Perhaps I exaggerate.

However, it was still a lot of house, and it had a built-in grill and wet bar in the backyard. Meanwhile, a nice townhouse runs almost $300,000 around here.

I sat in my cottage, a place I had considered charming and green and perfect for us just fifteen minutes ago, overcome with house lust. I would love a claw-foot bathtub! I need a six-burner Viking range! And, yes, if you insist, I'll take the steam shower!

HGTV, your house hunters made me want to hit my head with a cinder block. Looking at a living room the size of my downstairs, the female house hunter whined, "It's a nice house, but I don't like the color." Because, yes, once you paint a wall, it cannot ever, EVER(!) be changed.

The husband on this episode continually said the same three things: "This would be a great place to put my big screen TV."; "This might be the perfect room for my man cave,"; and "It needs to have a garage big enough for all of my toys."

When did man caves, big screen TVs, and abundant room for toys become necessities?  And why must the men ALWAYS say these things on every episode?

I've decided, HGTV, to make a  House Hunters Drinking Game

You must drink every time one of the following phrases is uttered: 

1) This would be a great room for entertaining. 
2) I don't like the color/floor/cabinets
3) This is too small (Note: they never, ever, say that any room is too big).
4) I love the open floor plan. 
5) This would be a great place for my big-screen TV
5) Finally, I have a place for all my toys. 
6) This would be a great place to drink coffee in the mornings. 
7) This is a great walk-in closet. I don't know where my husband will put his clothes, though. (Heh, heh. Sigh.)
8) I love the stainless steel. 
9) I love the granite counter-tops. 
10) This will need to  be updated. 

Every time they describe something as "nice," you must drink. Also, if they have a pet and they mention how the house will be perfect for little Scruffy or Lambchop, you must drink. 

When it comes time to reveal, if you correctly selected the chosen house, you must chug. 

After completing this game, you will no longer care about the conditions of your own house, and will be content to live in your own drunken filth. 

HGTV, I believe that this game is brilliant and could increase your ratings. Please let me know if you will accept this fantastic idea. You may pay me with throw pillows, recessed lighting, and, naturally, stainless steel appliances.

Yours most sincerely,


(Thanks, adrienzgirl, for the opportunity to let off steam in my slate shower.) 

Think Tank Momma


Viv said...

We are *still* renting, and HGTV often brings me to tears. I have that urge to scream, "What do you mean it's too friggin' small? It has 4 bedrooms, and you don't have any children! ___wipes!"

Frau said...

OMG that is a great idea for a game. I haven't watched that show in ages, I used to love it.

kitz said...

3) This is too small (Note: this particular phrase will of course never be uttered while touring the man cave).

Caution Flag said...

I am going to chill my drink right now so I'll be ready. Which one do I have to watch: the original or the international one where people are looking for their second or THIRD HOME?!

SamiJoe said...

FUN game. Haven't watched the show, but maybe i'll print out these 'game' instructions and give it a whirl!

mama-face said...

Haha. I watched this same episode...and those people bUgGeD me!! And that house...$250,000!!!!??
What's up with that? Poor her...she didn't like that the cabinet colors were different in different rooms. (nice camera work there though, did you catch that?) They picked the wrong house if you ask me. But you did not.

One more phrase (although I don't drink, unless you count diet dr pepper)..."this would be a great room for entertaining all of our many friends and family".

adrienzgirl said...

Oh lady you make me laugh! HGTV is the devil, but I'm digging the drinking game.

Electa said...

You SO nailed it!

In 3-5 years the remodeling shows will be ripping out stainless steel appliances saying, "These are SO dated looking" and they'll be attacking counter tops with pick axes saying "granite is SOOO 2006" and they'll be lowering ceilings and enclosing kitchens so the owner can afford to heat and cool the places.

Why are the husbands always such whiny little girls? Most of all, I want to know exactly what some of these people do for a living, and will we see them next year on The Foreclosure Show?

Great blog, thanks.

clearness said...

What I love about any show that includes 'regular people' and houses or anything for that matter, if it's on television, the bigger the better, we no longer want to keep up with the Jones' we must surpass the Jones' so far they can never catch up with me.....

Okay English me out Jones'?? Is that right?

Prairiemaid said...

Isn't it sad we have become so overwhelmingly SPOILED as a nation---not me and you, or your readers of course....but dang! Where is Robyn Leach when you need him? Cause everyone wants to live like the rich and stupid I mean famous.

Thank for making me laugh, Nancy!

Ms. Moon said...

I had a Viking range. It sucked.

Daffy said...

I had to threaten to shove the remote into remote places if hubs didn't stop watching that program. He'd walk around grumbling for days at the cardboard box we live in (its fine...really...a bit small...but whatever). Ugh...and you know that show is totally staged, right?! They have picked their home way before they start shooting any footage...makes me roll my eyes.

June said...

I'm all for drinking games... might even turn the damn TV on just to play along!!

Kiera said...

im in- just let me know the next time you play! haha.

the house hunters i always watch are super depressing like 29385732 5023857 million dollars for a one bedroom ranch in the middle of a dumpyard. its equally depressing.

Marla said...

Nancy, you make me want to drink. In a good way. Oh, nevermind.

noisycolorfullively said...

My house is smaller than average in my area. I long to downsize.... a claw footed tub would be nice, a drinking game would be better.

Thanks for the laugh, Nancy.

Maggie May said...

,,,, i am still laughing from your opening line!!! thank you for that!

Angie Muresan said...

Whenever I watch that show I wonder if there's a script they're following or if they really are as vapid as they seem. Thank goodness I do not have a TV. Poisonous mind rot, most of it.

Tracie said...

Bwahahahaha!!!!! I stopped watching HGTV years ago because I couldn't stand the house envy it gave me. And my husband couldn't stand all the to-do lists that resulted from marathons viewings.

LB said...

Oh if my kids would let me watch anything other than Phineas & Ferb, I would sooo be in for a round of this game! You should pitch it to them. Hell, I don't watch all that crap anyway. At least the beer adds a little spice to some otherwise boring television.

only a movie said...

Brilliant. I hate that the rest of the world sees this show and then generalizes those attitudes to the rest of the country.
I never see this show -- but that exact episode is something I clicked on recently. Sort of eerie!

Jen said...

OMG! That show totally is totally crack. I watch it waaayyy too much, and you've nailed down the rules PERFECTLY! Hm. Must play this...

Cat said...

I'm up for any kind of drinking game, even if it involves HGTV.

From now on, I'm going to involve the phrase "harshing my mellow" in all my complaints. It rolls off the tongue...

erika said...

Thank you for reminding me why I stopped watching that show. You made me laugh though :)

Corrie Howe said...

Nancy, I think you are being too harsh with the men on these episodes. Didn't you know that these phrases are part of the contract they signed to do the show?

Lee Ann said...

I have never seen the show but think we have something similar here. It drives me crazy too! I think I will have to adopt your game while watching it! Love it!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

ROFL!! Nancy, you are brilliant. And btw, I think I need more room for my toys. And my husband is no longer happy with the falling-down shed/mancave I designed special for him. Why?

Jenny said...

What a totally fabulous post! I love this. Great laugh for an icky Monday morning.

I'm a new follower.

Bethany said...

I love you for writing this. It's brilliant. I feel the same way but could never write it out as wonderfully as you did.
The entertaining and granite, especially kill me. Oh SHUT UP.
I was just happy this house didn't have 2 feet of water in the basement when we bought it.