Dear House Hunters on HGTV,
You are totally harshing my mellow.
Being that I had total control of the remote last night, I watched your fine program, House Hunters. It took about five minutes for me to be consumed with irrational hatred regrading everything and everyone involved with the show.
It took place in Las Vegas, and the house-hunting couple looked at three MANSIONS. These were utterly huge homes, with soaring ceilings, skylights, hardwood floors, and enough granite to drown the entire Soprano family.
I think the most expensive home was $250,000 dollars. That home used to belong to Siegfried and Roy.
Perhaps I exaggerate.
However, it was still a lot of house, and it had a built-in grill and wet bar in the backyard. Meanwhile, a nice townhouse runs almost $300,000 around here.
I sat in my cottage, a place I had considered charming and green and perfect for us just fifteen minutes ago, overcome with house lust. I would love a claw-foot bathtub! I need a six-burner Viking range! And, yes, if you insist, I'll take the steam shower!
HGTV, your house hunters made me want to hit my head with a cinder block. Looking at a living room the size of my downstairs, the female house hunter whined, "It's a nice house, but I don't like the color." Because, yes, once you paint a wall, it cannot ever, EVER(!) be changed.
The husband on this episode continually said the same three things: "This would be a great place to put my big screen TV."; "This might be the perfect room for my man cave,"; and "It needs to have a garage big enough for all of my toys."
When did man caves, big screen TVs, and abundant room for toys become necessities? And why must the men ALWAYS say these things on every episode?
I've decided, HGTV, to make a House Hunters Drinking Game.
You must drink every time one of the following phrases is uttered:
1) This would be a great room for entertaining.
2) I don't like the color/floor/cabinets
3) This is too small (Note: they never, ever, say that any room is too big).
4) I love the open floor plan.
5) This would be a great place for my big-screen TV
5) Finally, I have a place for all my toys.
6) This would be a great place to drink coffee in the mornings.
7) This is a great walk-in closet. I don't know where my husband will put his clothes, though. (Heh, heh. Sigh.)
8) I love the stainless steel.
9) I love the granite counter-tops.
10) This will need to be updated.
Every time they describe something as "nice," you must drink. Also, if they have a pet and they mention how the house will be perfect for little Scruffy or Lambchop, you must drink.
When it comes time to reveal, if you correctly selected the chosen house, you must chug.
After completing this game, you will no longer care about the conditions of your own house, and will be content to live in your own drunken filth.
HGTV, I believe that this game is brilliant and could increase your ratings. Please let me know if you will accept this fantastic idea. You may pay me with throw pillows, recessed lighting, and, naturally, stainless steel appliances.
Yours most sincerely,
(Thanks, adrienzgirl, for the opportunity to let off steam in my slate shower.)