Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday Fragments: Body-Surfing

I went to Ocean City this summer with a group of girlfriends. While my friends sunned themselves and read magazines, I went body-surfing. I watched my feet disappear into the salty depths, and waded until I hit the breaking point.

Bouncing on my toes, I felt the rush of the water as it lifted me up, effortless, like a little girl swinging a rag doll. I relaxed in the powerful arms of the wave, until it dumped me, rather unceremoniously, onto the rocky shoreline.

Salty and smiling, I ran back for more. Sometimes the waves were full of empty promises, a mere hiccup of motion. Sometimes the waves felt the need to assert authority, giving me a skinned knee or a nostril full of salt water.

Yet, I kept going back, riding the waves until I returned to my sunny patch and my towel, spent and elated.

Motherhood is a form of body-surfing as well, and these fragments represent the exhilarating highs, and the stinging lows of the week.

Mommy's Idea
(Thanks for hosting, Mrs. 4444)
Owen crept into my bed, as he does every morning. By "crept," I mean, he talked loudly to himself, randomly flipped on lights, and jumped on the bed, yelping, "SURPRISE!"

I wouldn't exactly call him cat-like. Or ninja-riffic for that matter.

Nevertheless, he came in, snuggled next to me and said, "Mommy?"


"Mommy, you need to go look out my window. The sky is ORANGE! There's ORANGE in the sky!"

I grumbled up the stairs, and with my son saw a sunrise so beautiful, such a combination of orange and purple, that it almost broke my heart. Such incredible beauty, such gorgeous light.

Yesterday, I was reading my magazine and heard the familiar patter of little feet upstairs, "Owen must be up from his nap," I thought.

I returned to my reading, hoping to finish the article before starting Motherhood: The Afternoon Shift. I heard the door open, then listened to his steps scurrying down the stairs. My bedroom door opened and out rang a tiny voice, sing-songing, "Da-DAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Joel. It's Joel. What the?---Joel, the not-even-EIGHTEEN-MONTH BABY, was in my bedroom. How? HOW???

To get in my room, THE BABY had to do the following:
1) Climb out of his crib.
2) Open the door to his room.
3) Navigate the steep steps (without his glasses, naturally)
4) Walk to my room
5) Open my door
6) Be pleased as shit with himself.

I've sired Evil Frickin' Knievel. Goodbye, remaining sanity.

How to make your preschooler lose his mind with joy:

1) Attend a meeting.
2) Discover that the bathroom looks like this:

I have found the Promised Land, and it has a Mommy Potty and an Owen Potty. 

Owen came out of the bathroom beaming, and said, "Mommy, have you seen that potty?"

"It has a little potty, huh, O?" I said.

Nodding his head vigorously, Owen added, "And a big potty too!" He immediately added, "Do you need to go potty?"

"Not right now," I said, taking a sip of coffee.

"Keep drinking that coffee, Mom," Owen said, "I'll wait."

Because I love my son, and have lost any of those pesky "personal space boundaries" people mention from time to time, I did return to the Magical Potty of Wonder, and we did, in fact, have a tandem pee-a-thon.

It was a golden shower of motherly love.

Owen has a terrible habit of interrupting me when I'm on the phone. It's maddening, because in my circle of friends, things are happening that require discussion. One friend is adopting a little boy from China, and is getting violated on a regular basis by immigration law. Another friend is moving to Rhode Island, which is devastating in so many ways, I can't even write about it. A third friend is getting violated on a regular basis by the health insurance trolls. I certainly won't write about her struggles, because THEY WILL FIND OUT AND JACK THINGS UP EVEN MORE.(They have blogging spies, I'm sure of it)

So. I want to talk to my friends about things, and Owen and Joel choose these moments to become utter asshats.

I'm on the phone and Owen will bellow, "HEA-LUP! RIGHT NOW! HEA-LUP!"

I know he's not on fire. I know he's not in any serious harm. He's simply frustrated that I'm focusing on something besides Young Sir Owen of the Awesomeness, and has decided to be loud and annoying.

Let's not forget rude: "Right Now?" Seriously?

Because I've yet to learn how to be an adult, my inner Redneck comes out, "Owen, ya needs to be quiet or I'll turn yer insides out!" or "Boy! Shut Yer Piehole!" or "Owen! Go to bed or I'll put your toys in the trash can!"

That, my friends, is quality parenting.

On the negative side, I'm teaching my kids that bullying=parenting. On the positive side, my friends forget their problems because at least they aren't me. 

Thanks for riding the waves with me! Happy Friday!


Coby said...

Thanks for the laugh! I needed those today! I am covered in my children's body fluids and wearing my classic "Mom Uniform". I REALLY needed the laugh!

My Life in Purple said...

"It was a golden shower of motherly love."

Oh my Nancy, that is why I love you!

Rebecca said...

Yep, My daughter and I did a pee-a-thon in a similar potty room. She was so pleased.

Thanks for sharing!

stacie said...

Body surfing sounds like fun! LOL at the pee a thon. If I am on the phone that's when my kids want to be noisy or talk to me. Drives me nuts.

won said...

Joel out of the crib at such a young age??


Good luck, Nancy.

You're going to need it. I have a feeling the period of hyper vigilance begins now, and will continue for the next 1.5 decades, at least.

Unknown Mami said...

You probably don't know this, but if you ever want to write a post that I love all you have to do is use the word "asshat"; it makes me giggle like a school child. I mean picture it! Picture an asshat and picture it on someone's head. It's an ass on their head! But then it gets even funnier when you are calling someone an asshat because I then have to picture that person being worn as a hat! Or I can also picture a hat for your ass. I mean really anyway I look at it an "asshat" is hilarious.

Joanna Jenkins said...

"There's ORANGE in the sky!" I just love that!

Body surfing sounds like a blast right about now. How fun!

I wonder if Owen will share your Tandem pee-a-thon-- You know, like during a big family gathering

This post was perfect! Have a great weekend.

Corrie Howe said...

I love that Owen woke you up to see a sunrise. I love that you loved him back by peeing beside him. (Where is this Nirvana so that I might avoid it?)

erika said...

I love your waves. The smile on my face grew wider and wider as I was reading your post. I say, YAY for Joel, the escape artist and also for the facility that made the mother-son pair-peeing-fun possible. Have I ever told you how much I enjoy it when your posts are a perfect blend of pure love and pure silliness?

Eyegirl said...

I really enjoyed reading your post. Sounds like you have your hands full with your boys!

adrienzgirl said...

Your story about Evil Kinevil cracked me up. My brother used to climb out of his crib at that age. We found him in the kitchen sink at 2AM with the water running one time. Another time on top of the fridge pulling stuff out of the cabinets. Crazy kids!

Ms. Moon said...

You and your kids make me happy. I think if you and I knew each other, we would smile and beam in knowing understanding.

Mama Zen said...

"Golden shower of motherly love." Oh, that's brilliant!

blueviolet said...

I nearly died with the golden shower of motherly love!

Marla said...

Oh my, this was worth reading twice!!

Caution said...

Honest to pete! I've always wondered about our parenting style and now I know. We are THE father and mother of bully parenting. I'm so excited to belong ... finally!

Michele said...

The golden shower of motherly love, cracked me right up :)

I remember Trinity waking me up one morning, and dragging me out of bed because I had to see the sky. I grudgingly went along as well, and it was the the sweetest of mornings we have ever shared.

Great post - thanks for sharing your waves with us!!!

Mrs4444 said...

You have a talent for writing, my friend; nicely done :) I smiled all the way through this post. Loved the "Goodbye, remaining sanity" quip. Good luck with that!!

4 Lettre Words said...

Those tot potties are so stinkin' cute! Literally.

Oh, how I crave the beach...

Erin said...

Hi there!
I came over from Stir-Fry Awesomeness' blog and wanted to say hello.

I'm your newest follower--I really enjoyed this Friday Fragments post. Especially the part about the potties and the orange in the sky. Kids are so cute. I have twin girls that just turned 4...

Hope you're enjoying the weekend & I'm looking forward to reading more!

Rachel Cotterill said...

Well, it gives you great blog fodder ;)

noisycolorfullively said...

Every morning Simeon slams open my door, marches to the window and throws open the blinds. He announces that the sun has risen and he wants to be dressed. If I don't get myself out of bed and dress him immediately, he'll do it himself. Yes son, those orange pants go quite nicely with that red shirt and the earflap hat is a fabulous touch!

Once he notices the sun has set for the day, he marches to the window, points to the darkness and announces that thue sun is gone and he would like to have his pajamas on. This is the way it he measures his days. So simple.

Sometimes he can be a real asshat, too! It comes with toddlerhood.

Tandem pee? Awesome!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

...Because I've yet to learn how to be an adult, my inner Redneck comes out, "Owen, ya needs to be quiet or I'll turn yer insides out!" or "Boy! Shut Yer Piehole!" or "Owen! Go to bed or I'll put your toys in the trash can!"

I just about peed my pants I was laughing so hard while reading this, cuz I thought I was the only mom in the world who turned into either a) my own parents or b) a raging redneck when being interrupted by my children on the phone.

I feel so much better now.

Thanks you.

Cat said...

This made me laugh so hard at Owen and Joel! And what a sweet boy with that sunrise.

Your inner redneck and my inner redneck need to get together, drink some natty light, watch some wrasslin' and whoop it up. If I still had my pickup we'd even have an automatic playpen!

Jen said...

A started climbing out of his crib at about 15/16 months. And then learned how to work the childproofing doorknob protectors. We ended putting a child gate on the outside of his door; it would close at night, but he couldn't get out in the morning. I feel your pain!
And kiddie potties rock. LOL