Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Insomnia Fails

Every night, while my husband blissfully slumbers, I lay awake.

I won't bore you with the details. Instead, I will bore you with my coping strategies.

Coping Strategy #1: Extreme Home Makeover

When sleep alludes me, I pretend that I have an unlimited amount of money and resources, and mentally remodel my home.

Step one is always knocking out this wall. I picture myself swinging the sledgehammer, like a pint-size John Henry. I hear the crack of the drywall, and my imaginary self barely breaks a sweat.

But then it derails. Where would I put the blue Hoosier cabinet? It simply doesn't work in a living room! Perhaps we would need to tear out ALL of the cabinetry! And add a garage...and a sunroom....and a walk-in pantry!

We would have to get new carpet---or better yet---hardwood! We would have to rewire....where would we put the furniture? And we would have to paint! God, what color should we paint? Do we need a chair rail? Crown molding?

And what the hell would we put on the walls? How do people know how to do this? Bunch of show-offs, if you ask me.

And why do we live in a 1200 square foot house anyway? How the hell are two teenage boys going to live here someday? Why can't we have nice things? And where is my VERN YIP, damnit!

Somehow, this is all my husband's fault. I am wide awake, heart pounding, furious that he is wasting valuable painting time by three in the morning.

Coping Strategy #2: I Become Pretty

When you're tired, you're not at the best place emotionally. Therefore, what better time to imagine unlimited money and resources for a full plastic surgery Mommy Makeover?

I think of this:

And this:

And just like that...the woman who believes that that there is nothing lovelier than a face with character imagines carving herself into something like this:

There's no sleeping after that.

Coping Strategy #3: I Think About the Blog
This is dangerous territory indeed. I imagine possible posts. At the time, they seem brilliant. Surely, THIS POST will be the breakthrough which will lead me  to the book deal and the booking on Fresh Air with Terry Gross.

Sometimes, I actually get up and write them. This results in nonsense like Magic Juice and Dibs and Drabs.

At othertimes, I writes notes to myself. I stumble out of bed the next day to see snippets like "Talking Sex Toy" or "Big Lebowski Sweater" scribbled on the backs of grocery lists.

Rarely is the reality as good as the idea seemed the night before.

Occasionally, in these wee hours of the morning, I imagine that I got a comment right at that moment. The idea nibbles at my craninum. I attempt to ignore it until, finally, I hoist myself up to feed the beast.

Usually, I'm right. There's a comment. You would think such validation would lull me to dreamland.

Instead, I sit in my bed and think, "Maybe I got another comment."

Clearly, I need help.

I am running into doorjams and forgetting to turn on the microwave.

So, Internet, how do you go to sleep? My strategies are big fat fails, and if this keeps up, I really will look like Gary Busey.


MiMi said...

I do the same thing about remodeling the's frustrating!
Know what you could do with the Hoosier?? Send it to me!!!

Aunt of 14 said...

No no, send the Hoosier cabinet to ME!!! LOL, I love that.

And no, you don't want to look like Gary Busey.THAT would keep me awake all night too!

I go to sleep by reading... staring at the internet until my eyes grow tired.

My Life in Purple said...

I write the best posts in my head before I fall asleep...then never remember them.

I turned our Hoosier into a bookcase in the front room of the house!

clearness said...

I try to lay as motionless and thoughtless as possible. It usually works, but I have a small brain capable of little thinking anyway.

The Blogging Goddess said...

I write posts as well in my head when I can't sleep...then I can't remember them in the morning. I also take notes...then look at them and don't know what the hell I was ever talking about.

LB said...

Lord, no wonder you can't sleep! All that work in the middle of the night??? You need a good dose of Jersey Shore...or some Xanax.

Ash said...

Fantasize about being handcuffed by Det. Robert Goren (Vincent D.) of Law & Order: CI - circa 2002ish, before he went round the bend.

What? You asked.

I'll arm wrestle for that cabinet. Too adorable!

Hope sleeping goes better tonight :)

Snuggle Wasteland said...

I've started dreaming blog posts. I had some crazy dream about a teenager hitting on me and in the next dream I was composing a blog post about it.

Have you tried Melatonin?

only a movie said...

Quit caffeine? I did last month and that helps...

Matty said...

I have the same problem. And I've had it all my life. I lay awake, or wake up and can't fall back to sleep, and my mind just takes off.

I've written blog posts in my head while laying in bed. I've written entire poems.....long ones, while laying awake. And yes, I've even imagined being filthy rich and what I would do and buy.

Insomnia is a curse.

Quirkyloon said...

Don't fight it baby.

Stay awake.

Then take a nap during the day.


Melani said...

First, I love the new pic, so neat!

Second, I too lay awake for a long time after my husband falls fast asleep and I am talking his head hits the pillow and he is out like a light! Every time!

I just lay there and I know I should really DO something, so sometimes I grab my Ipod and play music or Solitare that helps to put me to sleep.

I heard somewhere that when you are tired but can't sleep, you should read or watch tv or really get up and DO something and you will eventually get tired.

Aging Mommy said...

For quite some time I had trouble getting to sleep and once I finally did would wake in the middle of the night, start thinking like you, and fail to return to the land of nod. I thought it was all pre-menopause related.

But then I started doing Jillian Michaels every morning and honestly for the last month I have slept like a log. So I highly recommend getting to grips with her 30-day shred for 20 minutes every day.

Coby said...

Thanks for the snorting laugh! Insomnia is almost never an issue for me, so I'm not much help, Gary.

Michelle Pixie said...

I do hope you find the cure to you insomnia. I have the opposite problem and can rarely stay awake. ;-)

Ms. Moon said...

I wrote about this today. I do not recommend my method of finding sleep. Or spending time until I find sleep. It involves Chex Mix.

Cheeseboy said...

I think about the blog late at night too. More appropriately, I think about what I am going to post.

You need one of those home makeover shows to come in and do all the work for you.

FabuLeslie said...

Ohmygoodness. Funny stuff!

My parents have a Hoosier cabinet. I can't tell you the number of times that my sisters and I have been the subject of ridicule for using the words "hoosier cabinet" in casual conversation.

It seemed weird, then, to see a person I've never met in person before, to use it in normal conversation in just the same way we do.

Jen said...

I have NO suggestions for you whatsoever, as I am in the exact same boat. I barely made it through dinner, but you and I both know that I'll hit my second wind at 9:30 and be wide-freaking-awake until 12. :(

Jen at Laughing at Chaos

noisycolorfullively said...

Nancy, you're weird. Oh wait, I am too.

I'm sitting here at midnight commenting on your blog (have you read it yet) because I've already mentally removed the wall between my kitchen and diningroom, added three bedrooms, a bathroom and an attic office space by building over the driveway, started a new exercise plan, cut my hair, made palns for re-arranging kid rooms for the baby we may never get and weeded through my summer clothes to make room for fall.

Seriously, weird. Just glad I'm not alone.

shortmama said...

I redecorate and remodel my house too! Sometimes I even clean it!

Salt said...

You are MUCH MUCH MUCH prettier than Gary Busey. Just sayin'.
I think about my blog a lot also before I go to bed, so I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone. Sometimes I will get the idea for a topic and have to get up and notepad it into my iPhone. Because that's just how much of an extreme loser I am.

I don't have a house to mentally redecorate yet, but I have a feeling that once I do, that will happen also.

One Cluttered Brain said...

I hate it when i can't sleep. So far I'm doing ok but I too dream my blog posts..You are a funny lady! I'm glad i found ya thru the Motherload herself....:)

Amy said...

Seriously, there should be some insomniacs webinar or Twitter party or something around 3am each night. I would absolutely join you for it.

mama-face said...

oh my gosh how ironic is this post...3 HOURS of sleep last night. I write my best, if you can call them that, posts in the middle of the night.

I have to remind myself that I will not die from lack of sleep. Something I'm not sure I believe.

Coby said...

I had to come back and laugh at the picture of Gary Busey. That dude is nuts!

Erin said...

Nancy, darling, meet my best friend, Klonopin. I take one each night with a swig of water (or other beverage of choice) and within 1/2 hour or 45 minutes, I'm all tuckered out.

Seriously. When it gets that bad, you may want to talk to your doc?